only in this life can you find that one person who makes your blood race, your heart stammer, your thoughts wild.. only they can give you so much to want ..and so much to hate.. only in this life can that one person.. know your love.. prove it back.. then place it in the hands of someone else as you watch.. something you had the chance to have, the chance for so much you will never know..
only in this life.
but it is also only now, in this body, in this existence can you have the ability to feel so much love, the emotion to want and to need.. it is by our own creation we have been blessed to care so deeply.. to be so passionate.. it is a miracle we have not deemed ourselves cursed.
it is fascinating how you can think about someone so much.. for so long.. to the point you consider it unhealthy and then slowly, somehow you are able to cope.. to place your thoughts somewhere else for a few sacred moments.. even if it is by pure distraction alone... and then just because your mind knows you have safely put that memory away,
...it happens...
and the thoughts flood you as if it was their only purpose inside your mind.. drowning you as you search blindly for any other possible, fleeting thought.. a life jacket. but there are none. if only i wasn't so damn stubborn.
if only you had had more courage...
today i was walking by the river and thought out loud how much i miss home.. then i noticed i wasn't even thinking about Virginia .. i was imaging the Tetons.. the way they looked when i left, so deep blue and laced in the white velvet of the first snow.. goodness those mountains got to me..
it is amazing what you let yourself think when you are alone.. when i am finally out of work, out of me.. out of reality. When i can be quiet and completely surrounded by nature, enveloped solely by the pure immensity of beauty and simplicity that it glows with.. if you sit still enough you can feel it from the trees.. from the leaves stretching out from the branches giving in to the fall they are waiting for.. to be connected back to the earth in the renewing cycle that makes us one.. why can't everything be that simple? why do we feel the need to clutch onto everything that is passed.. that we cannot change? it is what makes us beautiful.. as golden as the aspens.. and if we hold on how can we ever really be free?
i wish there was a way to describe the incredible way it looked today. there cannot be a more crystal blue than the water was.. or a deeper red than the rocks glistening underneath.. or the way the sunlight, consumed by the dark ocean of clouds, still managed to free a few rebellious rays onto the deep green mountain side.. those few seconds when the aspens blazed, their bark almost unnatural, a brilliant white against the gray.. their fire reflecting into the greens of the glass pools where the water deepened.. those moments when you hold your breath and still your heart so that no noise could interfere with the magic happening everywhere you looked.. you hold yourself, almost afraid that what you are experiencing is unreal and could shatter at any moment.. capturing every detail, every glimpse of light and color and sound and holding onto it, saving it so close.. then it is almost as if time stops.. and you can hear every tremble of water against the rocks, every whisper of breeze within the leaves on the sandy banks.. every song the souls surrounding you are singing.. and again it happens...
it is the same rush.. the same passion you can only feel in the deepest chambers of your heart.. how everything, all at once is impacting you in every sense possible.. you are immersed completely in something you have no control over.. and all you can feel is love.. you can't move, and breathing becomes so slow you can feel your lungs resting as you give into the emotions taking over.. you let go of the branch you have been holding onto so tightly..
only in this life,
can you truly be free.
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