oct 29 2010

Friday.. what a week it has been! Finally am I able to sit down and spend time capturing this amazing adventure that seems to go by faster and faster everyday. I think the last time I wrote there was still so much snow and still going, but today it has started to clear up reaching the 30s and beginning to melt into rain puddles. The sun has felt wonderful, even if the temperature hovers in the 20s for most of the day down to 9 at night!) It has been wonderful to be outside and working and looking so brilliant like winter finally. The pictures have been stunning with the light from the sun and the snow, everything glistens and sparkles like new.. i love how it completely transforms the world outside into a glistening masterpiece through a universe of snowflakes covering everything.. I love how the air gets so cold it chills your lungs and you can see your breath against the clearness of the endless blue sky. How the deep comfort of the cold greets your skin like a shock and makes the warm things so much nicer ;). The aspens are particularly beautiful, the white against white with the dark carvings of brown interlacing the bark.. In the mornings the branches freeze and seem to glow in the faintness of light so early before dawn.. along with the frost on the fading green sage brush and the icicles staggering down the cabin roofs.
job fair
I am so thankful for the gorgeous ride into town today. Mike and I drove to the job fair they are having at ski resort and took all the back roads so we could watch the mountains in the sunrise and the woods around us transform into such a stunning display for the snow and the ice from the night before. The fair however was not as glorious and we spent a llooonnnggg morning in line after line, interview after interview, dragging from building to building repeating the same things I have practiced since I began working.. So looking forward to having a steady job and never having to fill out one more application.. Which I am hoping will happen after landing one this winter. Having the ranch in the summer along with this gives me the months in between to travel ;) Exciting if it works out - half way there! Another pretty drive home in the mid day sunshine, perfect timing for a much needed run along the ridge lines with the aspens in the warm light.. walking later with Sam and Bentley down to the sage brush fields and the wedding pasture to try and get some pictures of the mountains with their winter colors. It is so pretty how on the nights like the how the sky turns the palest blue and just seems to melt into the rocks of the mountains, while the snow and the clouds blend into one almost as if you are looking in the reflections of a lake just instead it is the sky.. Never do I have a doubt that I have completely fallen in love with this piece of earth.. it amazes me how every morning I can watch the same sun illuminate the same peaks and still lose my breath.

It never gets old, how blessed to have the chance to find love like that <3

oct 27th

Oct. 27 2010
Hello beautiful :).. goodness another busy day, but wonderful now tha sun has come out and we are able to see the mountains for the first time since the snow started – and they are gorgeous completely blanketed in white.. dappled with the light rays that trickled in between the clearing clouds. It was a stunning trip into town, even if the roads were horrible.. Rhiannon and I went in today to clean the company’s tractors from the summer season.. freezing cold in an old car shop we danced and sang and washed until we were soaking wet and exhausted. Headed back to Meridian to have lunch with Ann and move more things into the apartment I am going to rent up stairs.. goodness it is beautiful! I have two huge windows over-looking the Snow King ski resort, a gorgeous kitchen, Huge fireplace and having everything else so close is wonderful.. It is true that I will miss the Tetons terribly and will miss my cabin here at the Ranch, but I am looking forward to getting a job, back to working, and spending the winter with some of the most amazing people I have ever met. I am so thankful for Jack and Julie for all of their amazing support and help.. I don’t know where I would be without them, but it is a blessing to have them in my life and to be a-part of everything they are working so hard for at the Ranch. Thankful to have the friendships I do, and the time I able to spend with both Rhi and Ann before she leaves for Vermont.. I love our adventures to town.. mud bogging in the company vehicles, loving the sunshine and the crystal clear skies and freezing air.. watching the sun glisten in the new light everywhere, it is so gorgeous. For getting filthy dirty cleaning tractors and playing in a hose when it’s barely 30 degrees outside ;) For having the entire Spa to myself to crank the music and dance for ever.. for new ski pants, for fresh coffee.. and big beautiful windows <3
Each day is one day closer to something more magical, and I fall deeper in love with this life every day I have the chance to..
Cheers for tomorrow love, it is going to be enchanting <3

oct. 26 2010

i want to remember today as the day i fell in love...
everything in its crazy, confused, chaotic and beautiful bliss... pure life itself.. when you follow your heart and sing only the songs that replays in your soul.. <3

it was so beautiful today.

oct 25 2010

monday.. love...
goodness you have been a day.. it was absolutely beautiful to wake up to snow everywhere this morning, we got almost 4 inches last night and the storm is not supposed to stop until Wed. It was a perfect dark blue, snow filled cloud consumed day. You couldn't see 100 yards in front of you the clouds were so thick and at sometimes the snowflakes so huge, it was like magic. It was a very busy day.. trips to town and errands took up the entire afternoon after I got back from the gym and running errands of my own.. exhausting it was to be out for so long, running around the middle of a snow storm.. so thankful to be back here in the cabin where it is warm, the snow is outside and trent wagler is singing to me. So much going on right now it is hard to clear my head..
how much i wish i could just sit and watch the snow fall and think only of that.. it is beautiful even in the dark and i cherish the deep quiet i am able to melt into, save the decisions for tomorrow my love.. who knows what could happen.

oct 23

I think the final leaves have drifted off of my favorite aspen.. the day the snows came. The morning started off clear and bright blue., without the slightest hint of the secret storms that it was holding onto behind the mountains and to the north.. So it was Sam and I off into the woods chasing the light rays into the growing mountains of clouds deep gray against the chilling blue of the Tetons. It was warm when you were caught in the rays, but you could feel the bone chilling cold of the snow that was to come. Went for a good 6 miles or so, running for about half to stay warm.. then met Bentley and Mel back at the cabins for a quick run around in the last minutes of sun. The clouds moved in around two.. spent the afternoon cleaning, running, taking pictures and exploring more while we still could and the weather held off. Showered and came back to the cabin to make dinner and settle down while the sun set somewhere behind the blanket of gray.. They are calling for 12-18 inches before Monday, even though it is almost 8 o clock and a flake has yet to fall.. But the excitement is still there.. hopes of a beautiful white morning and sparkly snow to play around in <3
I love how comforting it is to me knowing that I can be completely alone.. or with sam.. back where you can’t hear a single thing except for the leaves and the wind, quiet with the height of the trees and the ceiling of pure, endless sky.. how amazing it is feeling completely home in any place so foreign, I love how wonderful it feels. I love hoe the gray skies bring out the other colors so brilliant, how the frost on your breath rests on the air around you.. how the sunlight managed to escape from underneath the clouds as the day was ending to dance one last time across the frozen mountainsides patiently waiting for the storm as well… all of nature waiting, anticipating the newness of change and promise of winter <3.

oct 22 2010

good evening beautiful.. oh so tired today.. not a lot of sleep last night between the phone calls, coyotes and cats in my comforter, and of course it is the morning I am called into town to finish up the landscaping around the ranch building first thing.. but that is how those things go. So after trying to rest my eyes for a couple of hours I was up and out of the cabin with the sun on the drive into town. It is the first morning I have gotten up in clouds, you walked outside and could instantly smell snow.. so freezing the air was to your skin, so still you could almost imagine the flakes falling.. but not yet. They are calling for the storm to hit sometime tomorrow night but the clouds were definitely moving in today.. like that Christmas morning feeling of anticipation. It was some what relaxing to sit in the huge white dodge and watch the mountains roll by for the drive. I had warm coffee and a comfort knowing fall had finally come, even in the gray they were beautiful.. even seeing three moose on the way. The sun was seeping through the covers when we pulled into Meridian and I spent the next couple of hours raking and shoveling; winterizing the gardens and sweeping the walk ways between the buildings. It is probably my favorite kind of work.. when you can be by yourself and just think.. it is a relaxing way to de-stress when you are working monotonously with your hands and by the end of it you feel a bit more grounded.. a bit more cleaned up, (even if you are covered in dirt..). Stopped at the store on the way home and we stocked up on groceries for the next week or so just in case the storm is anything like they are predicting.. might not be getting off the ranch for a while. Too exhausted to nap, I decided to to clean, and write, and try to figure out the next couple of months.. Still waiting to hear back from CO, even though I got the job I am hoping he has a housing solution for the next month before I start work (I am trying to move there the first week of Nov. however their season doesn't start until the end, near Thanksgiving..) But it will save me some money and hassle if I am able to move then and have a place to stay in the meantime.. then there is planning for Spring next year if I am coming back to Lost Creek (which I am planning on right now), trying to save up so I can finally make my trip to New Zealand for next year's winter season.. But ADD kicked in too quickly and I decided to go run, in the cold, see your breath, freeze your lungs 20 something degrees.. but it felt amazing. I am pretty sure this is my favorite weather.. high, alpine, dry cold.. and even during the day when it warms up is perfect. Wore myself out enough to want to settle inside for a bit, so I propped my cabin door open, cracked the windows, pulled on my hoodie and started painting :) Ahh.. and it felt so wonderful.. the first time I have set aside time to open my new paints, my pack of paper and just go. Had the radio on Mumford and Sons (my other musical addiction) and felt amazingly content creating my world through water colors... Stopped long enough to go relieve my new pet for the next two weeks ;) Sam, Dish's dog, I am taking care of while he is out of town.. A brand new wolf, fox, puppy just ready to go.. and just as hyper as one.. So we spent the better part of the evening outside on the horse trails back through the woods exploring in the fading light and darkening greys up ahead.. the feeling of snow so so close and so cold and wonderful. Now it is dark and we have settled into the living room.. Sam asleep on his chair, me at the kitchen counter listening to Kieth Urban and capturing the beautiful things about today.. So worth being awake and exhausted for the first real day of fall.. just to see the aspens glowing against the snow sky and the feeling of frost on my breath.. warm boots and the exhileration of running through the woods before the storm.. ahh it was magic <3

oct, 21

oct 20 2010

Wednesday :)
So it seems as our last day of summer sunshine, the weather is calling for the snow to start falling sometime tomorrow evening.. but I am sure it will be just as beautiful as now. Had a gorgeous day though, for it's last.. the brightest sunshine again to a cloudless sky. The perfect cold to walk in a sunrise up to the spa.. with the frost and chill almost freezing to your skin, but so bearable in the white light of dawn. Worked with Rhi in the woods today behind the cabins.. gathering wood from the previous weekend and loading it down to the barn. Tomorrow they are dropping me off in town to do some work for Jack around the buildings there.. good to get off the ranch for a bit, but I can't complain about getting to work outside in some place so beautiful.. <3

Played in the sunshine for the rest of the afternoon.. walking everywhere I could find a trail to take me.. it is an awesome feeling knowing your only purpose is to follow your feet.. no matter how small the journey it is still exciting to be alone, back in nothing but nature just exploring.. it must be one of my favorite things to do. Everywhere you look is something different.. even though they might be the same mountains, every second they change and seem to grow more breath taking.. just thinking about them now when it is night and cannot be seen gives such a feeling of security and contentment.. I love it here..

I am thankful for the sweet sunshine.. as always.. thankful for the thought of snow and the excited christmas-morning feeling that comes with it :) Thankful for the time to appreciate the love I have for this beautiful place, to sit or walk through it knowing that each step I cherish for being able to be here.. thankful to watch the sunset and the almost full moon rise seeming to carry all of the sun's light with it.. for the stars that glitter a million different colors when the sky is so crystal clear.. for the mountains that turned purple tonight against the vast golden, rust of the turning sage.. for being alone but feeling more at home in my heart than ever imaginable.. for the gift of friends, having dinner together tonight :) and the promise of a beautiful tomorrow, no matter what. <3

Oct 19 2010

Dearest Tuesday, there is not a better way to wake up than to the smell of hazelnut coffee… however the smell of fire and pine do come quite close. They lit the huge pile of wood this morning around 7 and for the entire day.. until even now as I watch it smolder from the deck it has smelled like camping and s’mores.. I think the smoke just smells like graham crackers.. it was awesome.. went to the gym early when the frost was still glittering before the sun and ran hard surprisingly for the lack of sleep I have stacked up these past couple of nights.. Ever since I have moved into my own room in the cabins beside the creek, I have not slept solid through one night.. not as fun for Rita either who has moved in with me as well. It was a gorgeous morning to walk back in, the sun shine full force like it has been this whole week.. not one single cloud to make shadows on the mountains.. just endless, gleaming blue for as far as you can possibly see. Took the long way, just to stay a little longer in the heavenly bliss of morning.. having not yet reached 30 degrees it felt amazing.. No wind, no clouds.. just pretty and still.. like a perfect reflection in a ripple-less pool. Worked on the front sides of the cabins today, raking, weeding, sweeping the porches.. spent some time cleaning out my cabin as well, even hanging my sheets on the clothesline to soak in the sunshine and cool fall air that is ever present. Took off to hike to favorite spot up on the hill where I can see everything it seems on a day like this.. can only imagine what it must be like to be on top of the grand doing the same.. one day ;) Spent some time reading in the sunshine, listening to the crows and their messages to the other birds that must be thrilled it is so warm still.. I miss seeing the tanagers, but the blue birds are still here, still brilliant in their iridescent starkness against the rest of earth toned nature. Walked along the ridge tops, loving so much the beauty and weather that I have been blessed to come back to here.. how crazy to think there was more snow in August! Even colder it seemed like.. or maybe just because I am now sleeping in the hottest possible cabin (right above the water heater..) Fell asleep in the sun on the rocks by the bench, everything so content and quiet, the most sleep I have gotten without interruption and it felt wonderful.. goodness to even think about going back to the real world.. why would I even question my stay here? I do not think it could get more perfect for me really.. everything I love and want out of life is here, and I am so so grateful.
But even so I guess change will be good.. it is amazing how much more you miss something or someplace once you have left it. I will be flying out to Colorado in the beginning of November for my next job. A guest lodge just like here except it is outside of a ski resort (Winter Park) instead of a horse ranch. I am so excited, definitely.. how great it will feel to be back working with people and getting to serve! Even though I am being hired mostly as an aid to the kitchen, I think the simple notion of feeling appreciated will be so wonderful. I have missed feeling as if I have a purpose, even if it was making sprinkle pancakes ;)
Something else happened the other day that I forgot to write about.. almost magical, still really can’t believe it – but Chef, who must have found out I was back at the ranch somehow.. Someone who has never cared or shown compassion for anyone that I am aware of.. sent me a post card :) I got it within the first week I was here, a beautiful picture of African artwork on the front with a welcoming message inside… I know it was small, but the thought was enormous and it really touched my heart. So thankful am I of the little things in life that make it so mysterious and so spontaneous all at once.. whether it be a tiny post card, a new trail, a beautiful new rock… how the sky is different every single sunset.. the over whelming smell of pine and nature and the way the grasses never whisper quiet the same.. the exciting news of another adventure.. it is as if a new world unfolds every day and how blessed are we to get the single chance to experience and to love it? To appreciate every moment for what it is worth, as if it was our last, knowing every step is just one more piece to a beautiful journey that one day we will be able to look back and admire with nothing but love…

The sun has gone now..a little earlier every evening, and the sky has remained a perfect blanket of pale blue in the misty rays of light that are still shining over the peaks.. how lucky are we… For just this simple, quiet moment to be <3.>

oct 18 2010..

hello love,
I wish there was a way to take everything I am feeling, mixed with everything I am seeing and just place every sensation onto this paper.. it is around 6 o clock here in the beautiful Tetons of moose Wyoming, catching the last few rays of glistening sunshine before it sinks behind the pass. I was as the canyons in the peaks, full of snow, slowly transform into the dark crevices the sunshine escapes further into dusk. So cold it looks, icey white in the gleaming still.. such contrast to the blazing shine of the sunset. Only a few clouds tonight.. my favorite of abalone twilights.. the palest of blues melted into even softer yellows until you meet the blinding golden rush of color.. it is like a huge magnificent watercolor.. maybe what I will paint tonight.. It is cold, but without the slightest breeze so the lingering highlights keep me warm on my sunset bridge overlooking the abandoned cabin and the fields of golden grasses that almost sing when they move. Especially beautiful now that fall has turned the tips of them red, so striking against the blue world I am surrounded by.
It was a gorgeous Monday.. another Indian fall, cloudless.. endless sky kind of day.. the frost layed so perfectly on every blade of grass, melting into a glorious morning of pure light that reached every end of the horizon.. one of those days you could see every rock on the mountains.. very snow flake from the night before. I worked by myself today, again up at the spa, winterizing the plants and raking more. Took off a bit early and headed to my favorite spot on the hills before the bench.. so high you can see everything from the snake river, such a deep crystal blue.. all the way to Jackson lake.. so north against the hills that stay so purple all day. Soaked up every precious drop of sunshine, so thankful it is so beautiful and warm still.. let it sink into my skin as I just listened to the breath taking world all around me. <3 I let ye thoughts wonder.. not so extreme like I have been allowing, but staying close, playing in the day dreams of reality.. thinking about this winter, where I want to be.. and this summer how I hope to be back here enjoying all of this again one last time before I want to finally make my trip across the world to New Zealand :) I am hoping to save everything I have from now until then, using my time to plan and know exactly where I want to lose myself.. and find myself.. I have realized that I have been worrying too much, because I am not used to being so limitless and plan-less.. when really it is all unfolding the one way it should, this is the journey, this is the adventure.. and I am so thankful to be living in every moment of it, and conscious of the pure notion of the thought. Giving into the universe.. into faith.. is that not what I have been wanting and trying to do? Just to be able to sit and look out onto a world teeming with mystery and magic and opportunities and breath easily knowing the ones I am supposed to find will come? And maybe not here, maybe not in new Zealand.. maybe not in Colorado this winter, but it is all the experience.. it is all the journey.. and I am looking forward to every second. <3

The sun is gone now.. only the shadows of another brilliantly, beautiful day lasting long on the grasses to remember the suns travel across this endless sky.. and it is in reality that we are just as the grasses.. singing in the wind as if it was the natural thing to do.. soaking up the sunshine.. thankful to be a part of the earth and grateful to have one more tomorrow.. it is as simple as that.

oct 17 2010.. beautiful sunday

sometimes we get so caught up in what should be.. what should be happening, what we should be doing.. how should we be making our lives better.. our days more complete... our existence have more purpose.. We spend so much time worrying over these things, endless hours thinking and planning and contemplating the possibilities... When in reality everything we could ever need.. or ever want is right in front of our eyes, right at our fingertips.. I look back now and feel so selfish for every wanting anything more than the breath taking display I have right before me.. the simplest, but yet most beautiful gift i could ever ask for. I dreamed of these mountains.. these days where I could spend every moment appreciating there beauty and purity, breathing this air.. being a part of these special moments, here. I don't want to look back and watch how i wasted this time alone to grow and see how i spent it trying to figure everything else possible out.
there will always be other options and opportunities, but if we cannot enjoy the "amazing" we have, how is that fair? how can we ever be able to enjoy anything that way?
sometimes i let myself get caught up.. wondering why i am here and what purpose am i serving.. making myself feel as though i am wasting time working away my life and accomplishing nothing. when it is the very opposite, and of this i am sure. I knew I wanted to be here and with every cell in body i felt it.. and now i am.. I followed my heart back to this beautiful place and it is here for now that i am living, and until today I never allowed myself to fully understand that.. like there was always the watchful part of me whispering that it wasn't alright. but in every beautiful way possible, it is. I love being with these mountains, feeling this sunshine.. being able to walk to the wedding pasture and hold my breath just watching the clouds transform the sky and the storms blow across the ranges.. honestly i believe i was scared, this just seemed to perfect.. and for now i am just going to let it <3

It was a beautiful sunday.. the clouds were blowing in with the winter snows that played on top of the tetons all day.. Below however it was bright sunshine and almost warm when you were out of the wind. Went for a long hike up behind the cabins where it is so quiet and still.. almost hard to believe someplace so alive can be so content.. it is magic being there, in every way in every shadow.. every different outlook the way the light decides to catch the breeze.. it has to be alright.. it is the most realest feeling and i am captivated by it. I am thankful to be here, just as i am so thankful to have the other opportunities in life that may follow.. but for now this is here, with me and i am in heaven.<3

oct 16, 2010

I am thankful today to have the chance to walk for miles.. watching as the rain and snow started on the mountains and then just vanished into the sunlight. thankful for the skipping stones and beautiful waters, for the endless sky and a perfect day to cherish every moment to myself..
even if some days i wish i had it to share with someone else.. I will always stay thankful for the special seconds I have to watch it alone and with my soul..
tired today.. will catch up tomorrow.. maybe it will rain <3
so much love

oct 14th 2010

thursday :)
it is amazing to me how in this massive, limitless sky.. that not one single cloud came pass through the entire day long. Sometime i do not think that the sky can possibly get more clear, so brilliantly shining even in the absence of the stark clouds.. like the facets of a diamond, every angle just seems to explode with light. Nothing to me can compare to thy sky here, i feel as if i could see it touch the ocean it is so close and goes on forever.. You follow the beautiful blue and in every place it reaches horizon is just one more beautiful scene. I love how the sunlight makes the mountains to the north turn purple as the Tetons fade into their looming and mysterious blue... and always those aspens..

today was beautiful, a perfect indian summer, fall day.. perfect sunshine from the moment it breached the sage brush out front, until i watched it sink into the dark, navy bliss of those amazing mountains. Woke up early enough that my walk wasn't in the total dark. around to my aspen tree with the mountain blue birds, back through the woods behind the cabins, back to mine.. and the warm... changed into work clothes and went up to the gym to start the landscaping projects Rhi and I had begun yesterday. The frost was soon to melt as the sun started higher into the sky, and before long we were sweating in our eskimo clothes working to clear the trees around the spa, raking and moving wood..
felt great to be working, to be in the sunshine, with the most beautiful view and the prettiest sky.. sneaking off early to go hike and take some pictures.. watching the wishes float and day dreaming.. started to climb to the bench and found a lovely sunny spot right on the hill to read for a while, forgetting the world and worries and everything else that has been playing hide and seek with my mind.. thinking about colorado.. wondering if the mountains there could ever compare to the ones I am grateful for everyday.. took the long walk back to the cabin.. admiring the way the sunlight makes the softest shadows on the beige grasses in between the pine trees.. the red of the bittersweet against the aspen bark.. the dark burgundy of the ground where the leaves have fallen.. stopping to watch the palest sliver of moon appear above the crest of the hills, lofted right above the glittering yellow leaves where the black crows were flying.. an iridescent blue in the shining light against their black.. the sea of sage brush almost a sea foam green against the base of the brilliant blue.. wanting to soak up every feeling of the experience and just breath it .. just as the universe flows through your soul..
just to a part of it all..

A shower was amazing, warm to feel the chill run off with the water.. a wonderful feeling of clean clothes to walk up to the lodge and watch the sunset. Started my second book today, i love the feeling of being totally immersed into someone else's thoughts for a change.. thankful to have a perfect spot to sit.. a front row seat to something so breath taking. Watching the day unfold into the familiar rays of golden sunlight.. another day complete.. with just as many wonderful things to be thankful for.. but yet, still lingers the familiar feeling of empty.. the same small spot somewhere in the depths of my heart i feel the hole that has yet to be filled.. that something that is always missing, that usually i can ignore.. but always some days when the sun sets just right and the darkness begins to fall.. the hole begins to beckon and i feel it just as strong.. yearning for that shared love for this magical life taking place.

Sometimes i don't know how you do it.. but then i guess it is the familiarity of completeness that keeps you going.. if only i could share with you.. so much beauty to be held and so much love to be known..

thankful today for the untouchable happiness of being here, for the irreplaceable beauty no matter where you look, for the perfect hillsides to lay in the sunshine.. naked :).. for the falcons flying in the endless sky, the songs of the crows.. the warmth of the sunlight on your skin, the fall wind to remind you it is October.. the perfect feeling of being alone.. and the longing not to be.. for the amazing-ness of new running shoes.. ridiculous loud music to dance around like you're crazy to.. trying to remember how to speak when he talks to you.. watching the rays of sunset settle between the crevices of the peaks.. gold light trickling into faded blue..
catching your heart beat.. just to be silent as the magical world around you listens <3

oct 13 2 010

today i felt like the happiest person in the entire world... it hit me just as the the slightest breeze picked up the leaves of the aspens and the golden light from the sun behind filtered through their dance casting the most perfect shadows along the path i was clearing.. I could see the beautiful blue of the mountains.. the crystal turquoise of the sky.. the clouds, pure white against the jagged rocks.. the brilliant oranges of the trees tracing along the river.. everything became so still and perfect, like i was placed in someone else day dream of such a breath taking paradise.. I was alone, outside, working on clearing the grounds around the cabins.. sweating.. filthy dirty.. and in such a bliss it is hard to find the words to capture the pure happiness i felt all over.. Surrounded by nothing but nature, hearing only the whispers of the trees and the song of joy from my heart. I felt so at home.. so content with everything around me.. so so thankful to be here.. i just cannot explain it. right then i had so many urges... to cry, to scream, to hug the world if only it was possible... to text everyone and tell them i was in heaven.. that working maintenance at a ranch in wyoming is what i want to do for the rest of my life.. just so happy. the pure happiness when your heart finds peace and everything is right.. the happiness i wish for everyone to find in their lives.. it is the perfect balance and I feel so blessed to have experienced it. thank you..

And So it is my life for now :) waking up in the midst of the most beautiful mountains i have ever laid eyes one.. walk to watch the sunrise and the peaks slowly melting into the pink and golden light, breathing in the 18 degree autumn air that freezes your lungs but is so worth it <3..> go for my run after wards, home to shower, and up to the lodge and to my favorite place to sit right on the deck and watch the sun sink lower into the sky, right between the crests of the tetons.. watching the clouds get softer and the light fade.. so quietly it slips into twilight.. and so beautiful. the walk back is as cold as the morning's as the world slowly becomes dark..a sense of complete.. of acceptance.. of sheer gratitude for a day of blessing and of beauty, reminding myself so often how lucky to have had the opportunity to return and feel so loved by such a place. i am truly in love.

wishes.. oct 12 teus.

who knows why our hearts work the way they do... who knows how one fleeting thought can manifest itself into reality, a complete life change, a complete new opportunity.. how is it that we can ever think anything is permanent.. when, in only seconds everything we thought as secure can be completely shattered? shards of foundational thoughts that were only bullet proof to the rain... and the gun shot is fired. and your world is turned upside down.. the sky is purple, the water a golden auburn.. and tomorrow it will all be different ... your whole outlook on life is changed.. you walk with a different step and sing a different song and it vibrates through your body.. you realize the opportunities are endless.. all you ever needed was someone to strike the match.. someone to start the train.. and the tracks multiply before your eyes trying to adjust to the new and blinding light that seems to make everything surrounding you glow. a thought reborn. a possibility planted... ever growing.. the tiniest wish floating in the fading sunlight.. limitless.. haste-less... with nothing but a time and a yearning heart to be where it belongs.. to find that contentment and certainty when everywhere else there is none. ahh the wishes :)... you see them by the thousands.. and it always seems that they are catching the perfect amount of sunlight, like they are just riding on the solar bliss of hope alone... all we need is a bit of breeze..

and mine came at 2:00am last friday.. teasing through my window like the train whistles.. and it was then I knew I had to leave. I had bought my plane ticket the next day my and explained to my boss that i needed to go home.. how essex was not making my heart happy.. and how could it? when all it could think and dream about was wyoming, and the endlessly beautiful life I had there.. And so I was at the airport monday evening, having finished my last couple days working in the kitchen with Rich.. so ready to be home. And my dearest diary.. there just aren't enough words to describe the way the mountains make my heart stop and my breath get caught in my chest.. and the butterflies.. like you are watching magic.. it is the closest thing to love i could ever imagine feeling. i am so thankful to be home.. and it consumes my whole being <3

oct..7 2010.. sunset

only in this life can you find that one person who makes your blood race, your heart stammer, your thoughts wild.. only they can give you so much to want ..and so much to hate.. only in this life can that one person.. know your love.. prove it back.. then place it in the hands of someone else as you watch.. something you had the chance to have, the chance for so much you will never know..
only in this life.
but it is also only now, in this body, in this existence can you have the ability to feel so much love, the emotion to want and to need.. it is by our own creation we have been blessed to care so deeply.. to be so passionate.. it is a miracle we have not deemed ourselves cursed.
it is fascinating how you can think about someone so much.. for so long.. to the point you consider it unhealthy and then slowly, somehow you are able to cope.. to place your thoughts somewhere else for a few sacred moments.. even if it is by pure distraction alone... and then just because your mind knows you have safely put that memory away,

...it happens...

and the thoughts flood you as if it was their only purpose inside your mind.. drowning you as you search blindly for any other possible, fleeting thought.. a life jacket. but there are none. if only i wasn't so damn stubborn.
if only you had had more courage...

today i was walking by the river and thought out loud how much i miss home.. then i noticed i wasn't even thinking about Virginia .. i was imaging the Tetons.. the way they looked when i left, so deep blue and laced in the white velvet of the first snow.. goodness those mountains got to me..
it is amazing what you let yourself think when you are alone.. when i am finally out of work, out of me.. out of reality. When i can be quiet and completely surrounded by nature, enveloped solely by the pure immensity of beauty and simplicity that it glows with.. if you sit still enough you can feel it from the trees.. from the leaves stretching out from the branches giving in to the fall they are waiting for.. to be connected back to the earth in the renewing cycle that makes us one.. why can't everything be that simple? why do we feel the need to clutch onto everything that is passed.. that we cannot change? it is what makes us beautiful.. as golden as the aspens.. and if we hold on how can we ever really be free?

i wish there was a way to describe the incredible way it looked today. there cannot be a more crystal blue than the water was.. or a deeper red than the rocks glistening underneath.. or the way the sunlight, consumed by the dark ocean of clouds, still managed to free a few rebellious rays onto the deep green mountain side.. those few seconds when the aspens blazed, their bark almost unnatural, a brilliant white against the gray.. their fire reflecting into the greens of the glass pools where the water deepened.. those moments when you hold your breath and still your heart so that no noise could interfere with the magic happening everywhere you looked.. you hold yourself, almost afraid that what you are experiencing is unreal and could shatter at any moment.. capturing every detail, every glimpse of light and color and sound and holding onto it, saving it so close.. then it is almost as if time stops.. and you can hear every tremble of water against the rocks, every whisper of breeze within the leaves on the sandy banks.. every song the souls surrounding you are singing.. and again it happens...

it is the same rush.. the same passion you can only feel in the deepest chambers of your heart.. how everything, all at once is impacting you in every sense possible.. you are immersed completely in something you have no control over.. and all you can feel is love.. you can't move, and breathing becomes so slow you can feel your lungs resting as you give into the emotions taking over.. you let go of the branch you have been holding onto so tightly..

only in this life,
can you truly be free.

oct. 6 2010

beautiful... it was a wonderful day.. and i don't know what sparked within me when i pulled myself out of bed in the early morning fog that decided to go running.. all the way down the ski roads into the fog and rain and cold until my lungs hurt and i ran out of path.. whatever it was, it was worth it.. i felt amazing even if it was gray and quiet outside the soul inside was dancing with every song on my radio and all around the empty school house all morning <3 it felt as if the energy flowing out of my fingertips was magic.. and i felt so in tune with the universe and all of its mysterious connectivity.. just the inner-most feeling of contentment.. that everything is going to be alright. Almost as if yesterday served as the break-up from whatever egotisical life i am trying to move away from.. into being today, full of life and love and pure joy for having the life and opportunities that i do.. thankful as well for days like yesterday, because without them to compare to how would be able to appreciate today? .. I was dancing when the phone rang and took me completely by surprise - i thought for sure Becca would have left for classes already, but turns out she wasn't leaving until 1 and i had a ride to town if i wanted it. :) and then i really knew everything was ok.. i had something to look forward to and things to be grateful for all around me.. Changed into real clothes and met her down at the Inn for the drive. It is 60 miles into Kalispell and we spent the whole time discussing life and death and soul and universe.. everything under the sun it seemed, but it made the time pass quickly and we were soon in the Target parking lot dropping me off while she went to class. Couldn't tell you the last time i pushed a cart around a grocery store by myself.. but it felt good.. being back to a real life and excited for the new set of watercolors and canvas i was able to buy. with all this spare time this winter i really want to be able to paint again.. especially with all of these magnificent pictures of the tetons and of course everything incredible i have here in montana.. oh so excited :) oh tetons.... how i miss you.... ill play later.. for now it is beautiful glacier.. the sunset all the way home following the cliffs and crystal turquoise river.. the pink mountains in the fading light.. the warm cabin fires lighting in between the forests of pole pines.. the golden fields ready for fall.. the perfect feeling in the air.. the chill in between the shadow spaces.. hearing mom's voice and talking with dad <3> everything is purely magical.. i could feel it like the wishes floating in the wind today.. sitting outside the Inn as fall took full force of everything around me... just beautiful. read an awesome quote today about being wounded and how it is through the wounds of life the spirit is able to enter and flourish.. we must have the pain to appreciate the joy, we are all growing and learning and everything that happens, every rain drop is falling for a purpose.. it doesn't matter if everything else is changing, that truth will always remain the same.. and there we find peace <3 i love you and miss you all of these feelings.. so strongly.

8:21..oct 5

no more tears.. the lonely i can still feel, but with the afternoon came sunlight and an uplift in my thoughts.. distracted myself by spending hours trying to clean the kitchen.. along with the three refrigerators, stove, grill and every other appliance known to man.. took complete inventory of what was left by the 11 people living here before me, and it looks like i will be making a lot of Christmas cookies trying to use up all of this flour and sugar. but was finally able to sweep the floor and finish cleansing yet another part of this school house. by then the clouds had begun to break up so i decided i would head down to the store and leave a note for Becca to see if she wanted company on the drive into town tomorrow since i have the day off again.. i would love to invest in some water colors and canvas.. crossing my fingers i can find some.
and i cannot explain how much it made my day to find a mountain bike sitting outside when i went to leave.. just like the one i left at home.. just parked there right against the side of the house.. perfect :) it felt awesome to ride again and i did so for much longer after i made it to the store and back.. it was still cold but the sun took turns with the clouds and even with the breeze i was warm from the work out.. a shower and some yoga felt wonderful, and sitting outside on the porch to watch the sunset made everything in my life feel ok.
amazing what the sun will do to your spirit.. thankful for the warmth and the comfort.. thankful for the adventure and the bliss of being alone in the beautiful mountains..

..and sometimes crying is ok..

awake my soul..

morning.... oct 5

sometimes it is hard... when the rain falls gently and the wind sings through the aspen leaves i start to think about home.. when that perfect slow song comes on and i look around this huge empty school house and think about how mom and i would be in the kitchen together.. warm in each others happiness cherishing the few days i had left in that beautiful Victorian.. your heart fills with what would be tears if i had the courage to cry for it... then the overwhelming beauty of the amazing place my soul resides takes over.. the same rush that gets caught in your throat and makes your heart warm with what must be pure joy. i am where i want to be.. yearning for a peace that will makes this wondering mind content.. as i play tug a war with my thoughts that want to question my reason for this journey, countering with the knowledge that it is truly the life i have wanted ever since i was sitting on my apartment floor with a crying heart to be anywhere but inside those walls watching the early fall sunshine leak through my barred window..
i am here.. present in the beauty.. love.. if only capturing these fleeting thoughts were easier.. thankful to have this release as i talk myself into believing this is the path i have chosen.. that my heart has chosen.. and everything is going to be alright..
some days will always be harder..

oct. 4 2010

monday :)
good morning fall.. the grass still soaked from last night's storm so early on my walk to work. the mist and clouds still lingering with the dawn when the moon and stars were catching the first morning light. not as cold today, and the air still as glass, not any catch of breeze except when i was crossing the bridge in the darkness. It was my first morning working with Rich, the head chef here instead of Lance which was a nice change and a nice break to be independent for the first time. He spent most of the morning in the office working on scheduling and things so i was free to make my breakfast and finally start to feel at home in the tiny, jam packed kitchen.. (since this is the only place that stays open all year they have acquired all the extra food and supplies from the other two restaurants the company owns.) - A LOT of leftovers.. but thankful they just don't throw it away like the ranch.. but still a bit intimidating to be over whelmed with 15 freezers and a at least 34 boxes of cheese.. Much slower today, thanks to the start of the week.. the rain hung around as well keeping people inside snuggling with popcorn and not 1/2 pound buffalo burgers with Gouda cheese.. So it was a good cleaning day, Rich had us (Brandon and I) working on the "cleaning project list" - pretty much the same one I was doing the day i left the ranch. didn't have to clean a double-decker oven today though.. always something to be thankful for when your not covered in a years worth of baking grease. Lunch ran late, not getting a rush until about 2, which worked beautifully because before we new it it was 3 and time to go.
It felt amazing outside.. cold, overcast.. rain soaking my new uniform.. :) it was heaven.. so refreshing to walk outside into the clearing rain after working in a hot kitchen all day, I probably walked around for another hour before making it back to the school house.. drenched, freezing but feeling phenomenal.. A warm shower was like paradise, even better to scrub off all the sweat and oil from the griddle.. not feeling as great on the burns i got yesterday when i was cleaning the flat-top, but amazing non the less. thankful again for the time by myself when i can still walk around naked and singing at the top of my lungs <3>(sad my roommate comes back tonight).. first time i needed socks after my shower, the rain must have brought in a cold front that creeped right through the walls it seemed. made some tea i had saved from the ranch, let my thoughts linger with the beautiful images of those tetons.. and sat down to watch the rain. I got my first package today! How happy it made my heart when Rich came in from the office with a box for me! At first I thought it was my shoes which made me thrilled because i want to hike tomorrow, but I was just as happy when I saw it was from grandma and papa - a care package full of love <3 Waited until then to open it and took my time unwrapping and cherishing each special thing.. it was wonderful, just like christmas :) full of treats and montana presents and delicious granola amazing-ness.. thank you so so much.. no other greater feeling than knowing you are thought of and cared for and it totally captured my heart.. Missing mom as the rock playing trent song came on my Itunes and decided to go outside for our walk in the sunset.. and i am sure it was so beautiful happening somewhere up there above the rain clouds. i could almost follow the pinkish light melting into the creases of the canyon pretending we were there with troy and the oak trees and mrs. parker's house <3 got a few pictures of the storm. exploring farther into the forest behind the cabins trying to learn my way around the miles of ski trails back there. I am hoping to follow one tomorrow up to a cliff called "Kelsi's", i am yearning for some elevation. more wet shoes and wet socks as i made some dinner and sat down to research my next trip.. right now it is looking like Nepal, something about these alpine mountains i just cannot get out of my system.. it is a volunteering group that i could go and work with for two weeks in between seasons.. it looks beautiful, but so does everywhere i fall in love with everyday.. such a dreamer but grateful for it.. it fuels the adrenaline i cherish when i wake up and know i am somewhere as new as each day can be.. who knows what is to be found tomorrow, so thankful for today.. for the beautiful rain and the peace it brings, for warm socks and happy boxes full of magic.. for trent wagler.. i will marry you someday.. for smiley faces on order tickets :) and special emails from mom and dad.. for chinchillas in shoe boxes and sunsets to chase no matter where i am. for dark clouds against the iridescent aspens and new destinations to explore.. my red wing.. my love a sweet night

oct. 3 2010 .. sunday

dearest day of the week.. how i miss being home with family waking up to elvis.. watching the sun light up downstairs hallway.. starting the coffee and lovely pancakes.. mmm.. it is like heaven those sweet sunday mornings, definitely one of the things i most miss..
and it was beautiful here as I think it can only be.. as if each day the trees turn a brighter gold and the sky grows bigger with the wind that blew in the fall's cold early this morning. fading night gave light to the morning stars as the moon disappears a little more each time i wake up to the dawn outside my three huge windows that make up the back wall of my new room. and even though the wind was cold and the sky still dark, the morning felt alive and its energy lingered through my veins throughout the breakfast rush, day dreaming of being outside, but thankful to have the wonderful job i do. the orders came quickly and the time passed easily.. breakfast getting easier to learn and more interesting health conversations with Lance, it amazes me his knowledge of nutrition and wellness - how wonderful also to have someone training you and praising you.. i feel spoiled and i am so appreciative of it. <3>

the sunlight brought the magic to the windows only moments before the clouds rolled it.. it is supposed to rain the next couple of days, but no snow yet. awesome tow watch them roll around the mountain peaks and settle gray and low in the canyon. lunch kept us busy right up until three when it was time to switch shifts. feeling much better today than yesterday I treated myself to a long adventure into the beautiful autumn air as soon as i was off. still in my apron i followed the tracks to a tiny neighborhood off behind the road and the river.. the most darling cabins tucked away into the aspens and pole pine, with only dirt pathways and rock trails to their entrance. Perfect little homes right in the heart of the mountain.. so beautiful and so welcoming in the afternoon sun that had now started sinking below the clouds and giving off such dramatic shadows. back to my porch to feel its warmth on my skin before taking a wonderful shower and singing to the top of my lungs, every song that came into my mind... "it's a cold and broken hallelujah...."

and so it is Trent and i, alone in the school house both singing to our hearts capacity, making dinner and watching the storm roll in... what a perfect day, happy and so content.. so thankful and so in love with every second of life here. my soul.. my red wing.. my hawk that is still watching over me and taking with it this such deep passion for this amazing connection to the beautiful world around me..

if only you could see what i see..

a beautiful night.. and love for tomorrow,

goodnight.