Dec. 29

Dec. 29 2010
I write to you as the brightest sunset shines through the windows in the kitchen casting Christmas shadows through our tree still beautifully decorated, waiting for the family to be together again so we too can celebrate together. It was a gorgeous day, not one cloud crossed through the endless stretch of crystal blue sky, even as the wind blew fierce through the warming air wrapped up in brilliant sunshine. Still cold this morning, the colors remained soft as the sun rose, my first morning back to our house wanting to wake up early to start strong with the therapy I have been given to follow, as well as the stretches to try and relieve m aching body. Sleeping is still difficult so it was not as easy to get up so early, but within the hour I felt fine and warm in the sunshine that started to come through my open window so I could feel the winter outside and remember what it might be like to wake up in Wyoming. Adam kept me company through the exercises.. another reminder of my snowy life 2000 miles away.. it is still hard to think about, pulling hard on the pulses through my heart… my house and my mountains.. driving down the highway and watching the most beautiful landscape unfold into the most magnificent winter I can imagine.. One day love, one more thing to look forward to.. So it is then I begin my day of distraction, focusing on the healing, the therapy.. the life I now have been given to live and make the most out of. Slowly I took my shower and got dressed, continued to clean and unpack the best I could with the crutches until it was time for physical therapy. It felt beautiful outside and I was immediately thankful I was getting to go. Jim helped me in and dropped me off for the next hour. It was a successful session, each time I think I am able to do a little bit more, almost able to bend my knee.. just shy of 90 degrees. Most of the things aren’t too painful, but I know it is only to help, so it is there I keep my thoughts. I will heal.. Jim picked me up and brought me home where I was able to spend the afternoon outside, it was a beautiful day.. clear and so warm in the sun. I walked through the field and watched my own mountains as my thoughts played on theirs. Feeling the sun as it sank lower, the wind across my face and acknowledging the pain that is still within my heart. As much as I accept what has happened, and the strength I have to gain, I know what it Is that I am supposed to learn and grow stronger from, I just pray that the yearnings in my heart will never fade.. and it is within that I find my strength.

Dec, 14..

dearest journal,
it has been a while since i have written to you on here, however i have been keeping daily entries in my personal diary saved for myself.. the past couple of days havent been the best for me at heart and so i have not felt at ease enough to write passionately here to try and capture these fleeting emotions. I find myself so easily frustrated in this new life I have been given.. another test for certain and with its fair share of obstacles. So used am I to being able to handle things and just when I thought everything was set perfectly my plans crash and shatter on the cold icy ground somewhere behind shadow mountain. So I am here now to regather my heart, my soul.. all of broken pieces and start over, slowly gluing back the places recently torn and those overlooked for some time, neglected in the fast paced and unpredictable life I was living. Maybe that is why adapting is so difficult.. I finally have a predictable life and I don't know how to handle it. I know exactly how each day is going to work out, granted not down to the details, but enough to know I am going to wake up, take my shot and try a little harder to walk. even more frustrating how slow I now have to do things, I know it is good for me.. I needed to slow down obviously or this would not have happened. I have the perfect chance to catch up with my life and do things I never had the time to before.. I just need to get used to it. And I am thankful for the time I have now.. and even if it is hard to say and hurts my heart to think about it, I am happy to be home. Especially now when it is so wonderful to have family together, especially when i need it most to help the healing. I am supposed to be here now for a purpose and I think every day it gets a little easier. I know the healing process will be long, but I also know it is for it's own reason, and when I think about that I am at peace.

Dec. 8th, wed.

Dec. 8 2010..
Day three at home.. It was not a good night.. I was up for most of it between pain pills and trying to massage my leg into enough less pain to sleep, finally after two hours (around 7 am) I was able to really sleep, only to dream so insanely it was more comfortable to wake up. The sun had already risen and the outside was cold and clear, with only a few overcasting clouds over the sun. How much I miss the beautiful white blanketing everything… I do hope it snows this year, that just might keep me sane. I could feel the wind howling against the windows and was thankful I didn’t have to do any traveling outside today. I was sore.. my leg ached from the restless night but I Immediately began working it to get the blood flowing. I find that the more I wake up my muscles before trying to do any walking with the crutches it makes such a difference. I am able to lift it from the side and easily backwards, still barely front the front.. I guess a severed ACL takes a toll on that ability. For some reason thinking about a completely ripped off ligament makes me sick.. so on a better note I did my sit ups and leg lifts and one legged push-ups in my bed before my lovely morning stomach shot and vitamins. It had been 3 full days and 3 different disgusting airports since I had had a shower so I decided to dedicate my morning to the full effort of becoming clean. It is such a task, but so so worth it. I don’t have the luxuries here like at the hospital.. instead of a nice bench with handles to sit on I had a fish bucket from the barn, and without a movable shower head it is difficult to wash your hair when everything is running in your face, but all the same it felt amazing and I was thankful for it. I had a warm bathroom, clean clothes and an otherwise healthy body. It exhausted me however, afterwards I laid down to rest for a while before getting up and doing more writing and exercising. Carlee came in the afternoon while the second wave of exhaustion was hitting me.. probably from lack of sleep the night before, but it was wonderful to see her :) and that always makes me happy. We looked at ancient pictures from middle school and talked about hoe young we were and how we never thought any of this would ever happen… She brought me sweatpants so I would have something to wear to the doctor tomorrow besides boy short underwear from victoria’s secret which I have been living in. She told me about her day off from school and how she thinks JC is going to propose to her any day now.. I kind of hope he does, how awesome to be here for her?! But we will see.. I still have my eyes on Chad lol.. they are doing awful in basketball but I guess that is Liberty sports for you. We caught up for a while and mom joined us and we laughed until Mrs. Sharon pulled up in the driveway. She came today to place healing energys in my room, including a beautiful green obsidian stone and a love crystal that I have on my bedside table right next to me. A few rubys under my bed, a sodalight in my window and shell on my mantle for cleansing. She then did a session to channel my energy since I assume it was a bit crushed around like my leg. She told me later that 3 of my 4 oras were damaged.. My physical, emotional and mental were hurt in the accident, however my spiritual remained safe and together. She also told me how she requested the purpose for my accident and the only reply was “She is my child and I love her”… It gives me chills to even think about but I know I want to so everything I can to spread the love I feel from Him to everyone I can. I think I cry because sometimes it seems so overwhelming and I am just one broken leg.. one soul in millions and there is so much pain I cannot conquer it.. myself and in the world.. but then at the same time I feel the same wings wrap around me and inside, quiet I can think.. and one step at a time I know it will be ok.. to trust the process.. to heal even though slowly. .. It is the invitation.
After Sharon left Mrs. Padgett came by with gifts and tons of laughter as we caught up on missed years and hospital stories.. she offered that I come and do art class with her at school and I would love to, I hope I am well enough soon to be out and about and have the energy and strength as well. I would also like to start going to the hospital.. I know there are people that felt as I did and would love any guidance and love.. Tyler came by soon after and in between dinner and stories from the summer and the ranch I was feeling wonderful with all the smiling and recalling of beautiful, warm summer days in my sweet paradise… my Jackson and my Tetons.. Oh so soon my loves… so soon.

Dec.7 2010.. catching up..

Dec. 7 2010..
Second morning waking up in my bed, tally mark for day number two.. woke up to most beautiful sunrise I have seen in weeks outside my bedroom window. The strongest blazes of reds and orange clouds with the golden streaks setting fire to the bottom right above the trees over the empty streets so early yet. I opened my window to feel the chill of morning and let myself be captivated, melting into the beautiful bliss of morning, thankful to be alive and able to experience every perception of the magic taking place, broken leg or not it was amazing and I am grateful for it.. But still so much to catch up on.. After they discharged me from the hospital that Friday, Jack and Julie came to help us get our stuff together before they loaded me in and drove me to Sean’s parents house, Deb and Dave, which is right down the road. I was feeling miserable that day.. had tried to eat breakfast and threw up everything that morning, not able to shake the nausea that stayed with me throughout the day, I finally settled myself on the couch in front of the fire place and passed out. So grateful to be in a beautiful, warm home that wasn’t the hospital.. the conclusion to one of my worst weeks so far I think. Julie took jim to go shopping for my ensure and to fill my prescriptions while Dave took watch over me while I slept. I woke up on and off until Deb came home from work and we were all finally together resting and waiting for Sean to get home. I was thrilled he was coming and just thinking about it made me feel better. Thankful our flight wasn’t until Sunday so we would have the whole weekend.. For Jim and I. Deb made dinner and we all visited until he pulled up around 9.. I cannot explain the butterflies in my stomach but I was so happy. Dish came over and we all stayed together watching movies in the living room, Sean massaging my feet and ankles to help the circulation through the tight stockings I have to wear to keep my blood from clotting. When everyone went to bed, he slept in the recliner chair next to the couch in case I needed anything. It was a miserable night, just as the others but I kept him from waking and suffered through the sweating and the chills and the spasms until it was late enough in the morning to get up. It was snowy beautiful morning in the living room, we were on the couch when Deb woke up and started coffee.. and oh my goodness I cannot explain how amazing it smelled… Finally was I able to have a cup of deliciousness and it didn’t taste half bad with my baby formula breakfast. Dave was given the honors to give me my daily stomach shot.. something I would like to start to start getting used to VERY soon.. and everyone continued with their mornings. Breakfast was made along with some more amazing coffee.. Sean massaged my back until Jim woke up and they were able to leave to go pack up my things from Dornans. Since I could not stay I would be storing everything in the Meridian building in town until I got back, taking with me only a few things that I would need at home for the time I was there. While they were gone I took another amazing shower, propping myself up on a deck chair with a towel to keep from slipping… it was heaven. I must have spent an hour in there between freezing cold and scalding waters immersed in soapy bliss and happiness. I felt amazing putting on fresh cool clothes that Deb let me borrow while my clothes were washing and I climbed into the couch smiling as we shared stories and listened to Mumford and sons <3 The boys got back and I went through everything, we packed it up, made lunch, arranged everything for the flight the next day and finally settled down for the evening my warm, happy Jackson family, my sweet brother and my wolf pack ;) Tyler and Dish came over as well and we all snuggled in the tiny room for the night spending the last few moments together until who knows when. I know how badly I want to get back, but I do not know how fast I can get this leg to cooperate.. shooting for new years seems insane, but it is the only way to go. Even if I cannot fly back I will be better somehow by then.. so who knows? Summer is going to come no matter what and it is going to be wonderful and beautiful and I will definitely be better by then so when it comes to worries I do not have so many. It is just hard because I miss my family there.. seems as if I cannot get enough of either. The night went to quickly, the same as the last, and before we knew it we were packing up for the trip to the airport.. the beginning of another trialing, miserable day.. the pain of moving and flying was unbearable, but the sadness and emptiness that fell from my eyes the whole ride to the airport hurt so much more. Even though Sean was holding my hand and telling me how everything was going to be alright I could not help but cling to every snowflake and beautiful hillside covered in white sunrise we passed the whole way. It hurt.. and my dearest journal it still hurts.. the vision so clear even through the tears.. why does it have to hurt every time you have to leave.. ahhh.. but you cannot stop it, and we made it to the airport.. and after some very sad good-byes made it on the plane.. I do not think I will forget that horrible day of flying so I do not feel the need to describe it in depth, but I cannot express the relief of finally feeling fresh air and being in the car on the way home.. What I had been dreading I was thankful for. My bed was even more magical.. my sweet, yellow room mom had made beautiful and I cried myself to sleep underneath my golden silk canopy.
The first day went fine.. I woke up, took my pills, my shot, my vitamins, my ensure, did some walking, some stretching.. slept the previous day away and tried not to think about Jackson or anyone.. which was impossible. It was wonderful to see Carlee when she stopped by, and it felt good to read with mom to keep me distracted.. So easily do I let myself slip into the overwhelming task I now have to overcome before I can have my life back.. way too easily do the tears come when my leg starts throbbing and I don’t have Sean to be there telling me everything is going to be alright.. Today has been better, I am so grateful to have Carlee who came by again today and everyone who sends their thoughts and sweet cards.. Mom and I did chair yoga today, it feels wonderful to stretch.. It is cold but a beautiful day to watch the sky and the mountains. So thankful am I to live where I do with my mountains even if it is to remind me of what I am working towards <3

hospital.. cont..

Saturday..
today was the day I was supposed to have surgery so they wheeled me in to have a cat scan beforehand first thing in the morning. After the results came back the doctors quickly decided that my “simple” break was in fact a huge explosion of bones underneath my knee cap and that my surgery had to wait until Sunday when more and better doctors were going to be available. So I spent another day drugged out of my mind inside my tiny hospital room. With three boys and nothing close to a clear perception of anything we spent the day watching movies and the food channel.. sharing stories in between shots and medications.. treating them all the milkshakes.. Sean never letting me go..
It was a long and painful night.. being alone in a tiny hospital room will make you depressed faster than the injury I believe.. so I spent most of the hours watching the snow outside in the parking lot lights trying not to think about life after tomorrow.
Sunday morning was dark and cold like the ones before.. my three angels coming in before the sun with the most delicious smelling coffee that I could not have ( you aren’t allowed to eat or drink anything before surgery..) but Sean had his chair right beside my face, hand in mine and the most wonderful smelling cup of temptation so close. It was a great morning as far as I remember, the pain medicines not making me nauseas yet (so far everything they gave me upset my stomach and made me incredibly dizzy). We watched football and took videos of Dish falling asleep.. laughing for the first time that I remember and sad when the time came to finally go to surgery, thankful at the same time though that I could begin my process of healing. All three followed me to the surgery room each hugging me before they wheeled me in to begin the procedures. The room was huge and so brightly lit, it scared the hell out of me how open and bright and intimidating everything seemed.. I hated being there and couldn’t get the nurse to knock me out fast enough. Soon though the anesthesia was pumping through my veins and I never felt a thing until I woke up in the recovery room full of Valium… they had brought me back and all I can remember was holding Sean’s hand and trying so hard to fall asleep, the Valium however was so strong that every time I began passing out I would stop breathing.. this continued for the next 20 minutes, each time Sean having to wake me up in fear I would stop functioning all together reminding me to breath. The nurses finally took my away to ICU to knock the medicine out of my system and have constant supervision.. I do not know which room was worse. I was in so much pain with the lack of medicine I began hyperventilating until the nurse starting yelling at me to slow my breathing so I wouldn’t pass out. The night was excruciating and sleep was impossible.. I was put on a lower dose of medication but only felt the throbbing pain of leg and nausea in my head. The surgery had been a success, all three plates and ten screws to piece everything back together in less time than they had originally thought.. This thought however was not comforting me and I did not sleep any for the rest of the night. They moved me back down to room 128 that Monday morning.. and I believe that it was the worst Monday of my entire life. It was the first morning Sean was not there to hold me.. all three boys had to go back to work, Sean to school.. an empty white room and the saddest heart throbbing right along with the stabbing pain in my knee. The medicine made me throw up all day, I do not remember Adam and Ashley coming to visit.. or Gabey from Dornans.. Julie or Debby (Sean’s mom), the entire day was a drugged and depressing blur… until that night when Jim came and for the first time that day I felt light in my heart. Mom and Dad had sent him out to take care and be with me for the week I was to be in hospital while we figured things out. He slept in Sean’s house, his parents Deb and Dave opening up their home to him.. They both came as well that evening to visit, they were so wonderful and nice and it felt like I now had parents to get me through this as well.. my Jackson family.. my Jackson angels. It felt wonderful to have jim there even if I can barely remember anything that happened the next couple of days. They finally took me off of the I.V because the pain medicines were just making me unbearably sick.. I was awakened every morning at 5am to have my blood drawn by my favorite nurse I met the entire time, (she had had knee surgery three times and was almost killed by a car as well.. she I am thankful for her humor and reality, she made me smile every morning and revealed to me something revolutionary.. she told me that we endure the suffering because we are alive and that there must be a higher power.. and because we are alive we are meant for a higher purpose..) She was a blessing and I think about her often in my days here after. I was given a shot in the stomach every morning to prevent my blood from clotting, attempted breakfast only to throw it up soon after. I survived off of ensure and water.. too much pain to stand and brush my teeth, physical therapy was almost unbearable.. nurses came in regularly to check my blood, pulse and vitals.. the surgeon to check my leg. I lived in between the food network and visits from some of the most amazing people. I was thankful everyday for Jim and the happiness he was finding with him new life in Jackson. Sean texted me all day everyday from school reminding me to keep pushing.. the reason for my motivation and my smiles.. The first day I took a shower was the closest to magic I have felt since the night surrounded by stars.. I was allowed for the first time to take my bandages off and feel the warmth of water flow freely over my entire body .. washing away all the pain and tears and sweat and sadness built up for so many days. I am so thankful for that shower .. I had flowers everywhere I looked, my wonderful brother, people everywhere sending me healing and loving thoughts.. the snow outside so beautiful and the hope that only comes from a soul touched by the love by so many. <3 The days were hard, I cried a lot, the pain hurt, the shots hurt, I ached, I prayed.. and finally Friday they let me leave.

Dec. 3 2010

Life has changed.. and it will take a few days and blogs to catch everything up, but Today, Dec. 3, 2010 before I begin the story I want to remember that everything that has happened to me has happened for a purpose.. there is a higher power and the only reason I am alive right now is because i am meant to serve a higher purpose in life.. and i intend fully on working my hardest to do so even if the reasons right now are unclear. All the suffering I have and am enduring is only of the physical world and even if I am not conscious to it now my soul has awakened to the reality that this entire experience is just one more step.. and one more path of the journey <3



Nov. 26th 2010
First day of work :) Up and ready at 7 this morning just as the first few rays of pink were making their way into my window, it was snowing lightly and it looked gorgeous.. slow to get out of my warm bed into the pale light of dawn from outside but it felt good to wake up and stretch before adventuring out for troy and I’s walk..(oh how I wish..) but I pretended he was with me as we made our way through the huge drifts of snow (some past my knee) out towards the highway where you have the best view of the mountains in the morning light. There was no one on the road, our driveway hadn’t even been paved yet so it was a bit slick, but a bit warmer then yesterday (around 4 degrees this morning).. the wind is what made it close to unbearable as I walked into it covering my face in snowflakes. I seriously need to invest in a face mask.. I can literally feel the patched of skin that begin to freeze within 10 minutes of being outside- BRRR.. my Antarctica for sure.. but invigorating and exciting all the same, called mom and dad on their way to Grandmas and Papa’s for Thanksgiving, great to hear from everyone :) Sounds like everything went so much better this year compared to last, even jimmy sounded happy.. crossing my fingers he can stay that way.. he is just going through so much :/ (ps I <3 you) . Pretty much ran back to the house because my fingers were going to fall of my hand along with my eyelashes after they froze solid, changed for work while singing along with Adam’s guitar playing across the hall.. an XS uniform that actually fits! Clocked in at 10 just as the sun was starting to come out full force into the snow and the Tetons that I haven’t seen since I left, got the tour, the rules, the paper work etc.. breakdown of everything and how it is run in the winter.. almost exactly like working at Court Street except they have computers here and a much more amazing view.. omg the mountains outside are breath taking since we are right at the base and entrance to the park.. stellar :) the restaurant went slow, but decent when it came down to tips and training, easy enough and happy people – great guys in the kitchen and plenty of help and support.. all around a good first day and for that I am thankful. (even did a crossword for chef ;) Closed out around 4 and walked back to the house with Gabey (who I love more everyday lol) we both work together on the weekends (I have wed. and Thursdays off) and she is wonderful to work with- Thank you!! Went for a walk in the sunset to call everyone at Thanksgiving and talked with everyone as I froze and the sun went down behind the so snowy mountain tops.. thankful as well to hear everyone’s sweet voice and warm wishes.. smiling thinking about all the fun we have when we are together, almost wishing I was there.. but this is now.. my present and I am living every second and enjoying it as much as possible. I am so happy to have such wonderful people to live and work with, a so caring family missing me back home.. snow clothes.. free coffee… AND maybe even a bonfire tonight under 3 billion stars on the top of the mountain :)
Yea.. I think so <3

nov. 12 2010

:) Today was great <3.. slept late because we stayed up late to watch the Celtics beat the Heat and the snow fall from the stars.. before, made some delicious chili and cornbread after a long day of hiking to the river to watch the clouds dance around the mountains and the water flow around the ice covered rocks. It was beautiful yesterday to be in the sunshine before the clouds caved in and made the night so so cold that carried into this morning. When I woke up the first time the snow had started falling fierce against the gray of sunrise.. to cold to walk around and still to tired to really want to. Felt wonderful to curl up back in bed with the radiators on in the warmth of my tiny cabin while the storm blew in outside. Woke up later to a trying sunlight against the thick masses of snow clouds and attempted again to make it up to the spa to run off the lingering sleepiness. After the first few songs it finally felt good to be running and I worked out for the next hour to keith urban blasting through the open doors of the fitness room into the swirling snow outside. The faintness gleam of blue sky was inching its way over the hill when I went back outside, the cold nipping fiercely against my bare skin, but exhilarating to feel fill my lungs with each breath of crystal mountain air. Decided to walk the long way back, even in the freezing breeze that felt like ice through my clothes.. I had just gotten a call from the Head Manager of Dornans offering me a serving job for the winter down at the restaurant underneath their hotel. I took it gratefully, thankful that I will only share a house with one room mate instead of an apartment with three.. and that my rent is cheaper.. and I will not only have the job I want but will be living and working right beneath the Tetons... the only thing I was going to be so sad to leave here at the ranch when I go to move into town for the winter season. (And Rita of course... and Aaron... and my warm cabin to myself ;).. But overall I am thankful to have the job and excited to begin working again, especially serving.. especially with new and exciting people everyday.. a much needed change of pace from the ranch. Got off the phone with him to talk to dad and find a new trail to make my trip longer on the way back to the cabin. Happy to catch up and learn about home, excited to tell him about the new job and plans and all the crazy moving situations I am putting myself through with my indecisiveness. But it is always fun to share my insanity with someone ;) Wish I could see them all soon... Being that it still wasn't the most enjoyable day to be outside I went ahead and started laundry, offering to clean Dish's kitchen if he would let me use his machines instead of trekking my clothes up to the Spa. So for the next few hours I sang Patsy Cline and found the kitchen again underneath 2 weeks of massive, dirty usage (not so sexy..), And as always could not fight the urge to cook something with all of my new clean appliances, so I went ahead and made dinner for everyone tonight as well... A new Chinese from scratch recipe I created and I can only hope it tasted as god as it smelled.. either way it was appreciated and I got my creative fix for the day. Night had fallen by the time I left Dish's cabin to return to mine even thought it was still so early.. We decided to drive into town so I could finish up packing my things from the apartment for the move to Dornans, stopping at Dairy Queen where I treated for some intense, amazing chocolate extreme explosion in a cup. ( probably the NICEST DQ I have ever seen... just waiting for you Carlee ;)... Dark drive back, but made it before the roads got too icy to shower and settle down for the night... So it is now that I sit and remember all of the wonderful things I am thankful for today and always.. Especially being able to talk with mom and dad today <3, to share such beautiful and wonderful experiences with Josh, breath taking hikes to the river, wonderful music <3, whispering snow through the gasping sunlight, finding gem like rocks and new trails, warm clothes, new gloves, tattoos ;), the excitement for a new job and a different life, cooking artistic foods and singing... being in such an amazing place and always being able to be thankful to have such a blessed opportunity. I cannot wait for every new chance and idea of possibility, it is a beautiful journey, that i love <3.

nov. 11 2010

i am so happy with my life

nov. 7 2010

magic <3
It has been forever since i have been able to write and to be honest it wasn't because I did not have the time, more like the energy to be able to capture all the thousands of thoughts and ideas and dreams i have been exploring in my mind for the past couple of days.. It is fascinating how quickly things can change and how instantly you can choose to create such magic and wonder in your life.. so simply it can be done and so immediately do some things happen.. And the more time i spend sharing this beautiful place with someone who is just as breath-taken from it as i am.. the more I, myself am falling in love with the incomparable master piece i find myself surrounded in every day. A good friend from home flew out this past Thursday to spend some time here, at the ranch, working with my boss and I - just to get the feel of things, to experience something new, to stare at the beautiful mountains... and it is so wonderful to share the same passion i have for everything here and watch how it transforms the entire being of someone who has never known. How i wish i could do that with everyone.. Amazing to think how many lives would change, how many souls would be enlightened just by experiencing the life and beauty that is here. It does change your life.. there is no doubt. How easily your everything is put into place, how clearly you can think and see.. how endless the possibilities just explode into opportunities.. and how peaceful you find your yourself... your soul. It is as if it were magic.. and just how impossible it must seem to someone who never knew... the idea of inspiration and pure enlightenment produced by the over powering beauty of nature. When you take everything you think about life.. the complications, the drama, the stress, the work... all of the figuring out, the planning, the worrying.. and surrender it, it is almost as if your body flows into withdrawal.. almost like you forget how to function without the egotistical, material things that we create our lives to be..
And it is in that stage where you arrive here.. granted it is just a physical place, the mountains, the plains, the rivers, the peaks and valleys.. the trees and sky.. but emotionally as well it is a haven.. I cannot explain the such intense, humbling feeling you drown in when you first find yourself gazing at the mountains that engulf you.. but it is like a huge wave breaks into your body destroying all the ego, striping you only of what is real.. As if it was washing your soul as you stand there dripping with the new beauty. And it is incredible how from that moment on your body craves that feeling, that first rush of adrenaline from being broken into and renewed.. the emotion is addicting, and so powerful you find yourself slowly slipping into a more balanced and beautiful way of life.. simple and gentle, as if you were walking through the forest barefoot and cautious of every yearning plant for sunshine.. as your soul as well is yearning.. sometimes it just takes a little more time for searching <3..
Watching how this magic has worked into the life of someone who has never known this experience before is even more moving.. never knew such emotional peace could be found both physically and mentally,.it is simply beautiful the transaction and love beginning to take root in another soul.. same as the deep feelings i have started growing since i first felt that wave crashing into mine. I love it.. love watching the disbelief wash over as the sun sets into the biggest rainbow of pinks in the sky, the glistening snow penetrating the jagged peaks of the mountains, the way the sun catches every sparkle of frost in the morning, and the stars... nothing can even compare to the magic at night when you are immersed in nothing but a blanket of black filled with a million diamonds, clear enough so you can see every different color they sparkle in and out of.. holding your breath as if you could hear them whispering so many light years away, gripping against the deep cold of night and the chills from the coyotes singing.. It is like taking someone's hand and leading them into never-land, a soul once blindfolded that will never be the same.

it can only be magic...

So the days have been beautiful and busily spent working for Meridian with Jack and Julie and on the Ranch with Aaron and Anne. With more winter weather coming, (this time probably to stay), there has been a lot of work in town while the roads are still manageable and decent to drive.. Even though some mornings it has been so cold and the fog so thick we have not been able to see past the hood of the truck. Rhiannon and I have stayed occupied either with cleaning Mike's tractors, detailing the work trucks, moving things in the office, working on Mel's new apartment at the bottom of snow king, getting ready to paint our apartment (which is a hideous blue right now.. along with the dirty pea green bathroom). We have bought a warm copper to use on top, a lovely shade of "cedar pass" that seems perfect for a cabin-winter home. It is a nice place, on top of the Meridian office building with a beautiful, magazine cut out kitchen and living room with a huge stone fireplace and massive windows looking out the ski resort mountains. It is right in the middle of town so everything is within walking distance, granted my snow boots make it through the next snow. The bus station is right at the corner and the Aquatic center right down the street.. (very excited about getting back into swimming). As it turns out Rhiannon will not be moving back to Vermont and chose to stay here as well, so even if splitting a room might get cozy, at least the rent will be not as crazy. I will hopefully also be getting a lot of hours at the ski resort where i will be working and my time spent at the actual apartment will be minimal. (especially with a free ski pass! - very awesome!) I got a job working in a restaurant on top of the mountain (you actually have to ride the gondola up to get there.) It is a very nice, fine dining, cafeteria style place where I will be serving and busing, catering to the very busy ski crowd they always get. So many job interviews and visitations have been taking place as well between us two. Still holding out on more job to try and save up some money this winter for my travels in the spring.
So finally on this beautiful snow-promised sunday I am able to find the time and energy to give to writing all about this beautiful and spontaneous life.. So thankful for everything I am blessed with, so amazed and intrigued at the effect of this place on my soul.. and his, to watch and fall deeper in appreciation for what i am able to have and live for and how it can change the life of someone else. To cherish the small and simple things that make your heart so happy <3, hearing from your best friend and feeling their love even over 2,034 miles, your family.. the breath taking pictures you are able to capture, the magical feeling when you are able to capture a moment in a phenomenal sunset or shooting star.. how lucky to have that one place and time and live it.. how crazy it is to think how it resembles our own short time in this life.. this one tiny moment to capture everything wonderful and magical we are blessed with. so much can i be grateful for in the incredible chance i have.

oct 29 2010

Friday.. what a week it has been! Finally am I able to sit down and spend time capturing this amazing adventure that seems to go by faster and faster everyday. I think the last time I wrote there was still so much snow and still going, but today it has started to clear up reaching the 30s and beginning to melt into rain puddles. The sun has felt wonderful, even if the temperature hovers in the 20s for most of the day down to 9 at night!) It has been wonderful to be outside and working and looking so brilliant like winter finally. The pictures have been stunning with the light from the sun and the snow, everything glistens and sparkles like new.. i love how it completely transforms the world outside into a glistening masterpiece through a universe of snowflakes covering everything.. I love how the air gets so cold it chills your lungs and you can see your breath against the clearness of the endless blue sky. How the deep comfort of the cold greets your skin like a shock and makes the warm things so much nicer ;). The aspens are particularly beautiful, the white against white with the dark carvings of brown interlacing the bark.. In the mornings the branches freeze and seem to glow in the faintness of light so early before dawn.. along with the frost on the fading green sage brush and the icicles staggering down the cabin roofs.
job fair
I am so thankful for the gorgeous ride into town today. Mike and I drove to the job fair they are having at ski resort and took all the back roads so we could watch the mountains in the sunrise and the woods around us transform into such a stunning display for the snow and the ice from the night before. The fair however was not as glorious and we spent a llooonnnggg morning in line after line, interview after interview, dragging from building to building repeating the same things I have practiced since I began working.. So looking forward to having a steady job and never having to fill out one more application.. Which I am hoping will happen after landing one this winter. Having the ranch in the summer along with this gives me the months in between to travel ;) Exciting if it works out - half way there! Another pretty drive home in the mid day sunshine, perfect timing for a much needed run along the ridge lines with the aspens in the warm light.. walking later with Sam and Bentley down to the sage brush fields and the wedding pasture to try and get some pictures of the mountains with their winter colors. It is so pretty how on the nights like the how the sky turns the palest blue and just seems to melt into the rocks of the mountains, while the snow and the clouds blend into one almost as if you are looking in the reflections of a lake just instead it is the sky.. Never do I have a doubt that I have completely fallen in love with this piece of earth.. it amazes me how every morning I can watch the same sun illuminate the same peaks and still lose my breath.

It never gets old, how blessed to have the chance to find love like that <3

oct 27th

Oct. 27 2010
Hello beautiful :).. goodness another busy day, but wonderful now tha sun has come out and we are able to see the mountains for the first time since the snow started – and they are gorgeous completely blanketed in white.. dappled with the light rays that trickled in between the clearing clouds. It was a stunning trip into town, even if the roads were horrible.. Rhiannon and I went in today to clean the company’s tractors from the summer season.. freezing cold in an old car shop we danced and sang and washed until we were soaking wet and exhausted. Headed back to Meridian to have lunch with Ann and move more things into the apartment I am going to rent up stairs.. goodness it is beautiful! I have two huge windows over-looking the Snow King ski resort, a gorgeous kitchen, Huge fireplace and having everything else so close is wonderful.. It is true that I will miss the Tetons terribly and will miss my cabin here at the Ranch, but I am looking forward to getting a job, back to working, and spending the winter with some of the most amazing people I have ever met. I am so thankful for Jack and Julie for all of their amazing support and help.. I don’t know where I would be without them, but it is a blessing to have them in my life and to be a-part of everything they are working so hard for at the Ranch. Thankful to have the friendships I do, and the time I able to spend with both Rhi and Ann before she leaves for Vermont.. I love our adventures to town.. mud bogging in the company vehicles, loving the sunshine and the crystal clear skies and freezing air.. watching the sun glisten in the new light everywhere, it is so gorgeous. For getting filthy dirty cleaning tractors and playing in a hose when it’s barely 30 degrees outside ;) For having the entire Spa to myself to crank the music and dance for ever.. for new ski pants, for fresh coffee.. and big beautiful windows <3
Each day is one day closer to something more magical, and I fall deeper in love with this life every day I have the chance to..
Cheers for tomorrow love, it is going to be enchanting <3

oct. 26 2010

i want to remember today as the day i fell in love...
everything in its crazy, confused, chaotic and beautiful bliss... pure life itself.. when you follow your heart and sing only the songs that replays in your soul.. <3

it was so beautiful today.

oct 25 2010

monday.. love...
goodness you have been a day.. it was absolutely beautiful to wake up to snow everywhere this morning, we got almost 4 inches last night and the storm is not supposed to stop until Wed. It was a perfect dark blue, snow filled cloud consumed day. You couldn't see 100 yards in front of you the clouds were so thick and at sometimes the snowflakes so huge, it was like magic. It was a very busy day.. trips to town and errands took up the entire afternoon after I got back from the gym and running errands of my own.. exhausting it was to be out for so long, running around the middle of a snow storm.. so thankful to be back here in the cabin where it is warm, the snow is outside and trent wagler is singing to me. So much going on right now it is hard to clear my head..
how much i wish i could just sit and watch the snow fall and think only of that.. it is beautiful even in the dark and i cherish the deep quiet i am able to melt into, save the decisions for tomorrow my love.. who knows what could happen.

oct 23

I think the final leaves have drifted off of my favorite aspen.. the day the snows came. The morning started off clear and bright blue., without the slightest hint of the secret storms that it was holding onto behind the mountains and to the north.. So it was Sam and I off into the woods chasing the light rays into the growing mountains of clouds deep gray against the chilling blue of the Tetons. It was warm when you were caught in the rays, but you could feel the bone chilling cold of the snow that was to come. Went for a good 6 miles or so, running for about half to stay warm.. then met Bentley and Mel back at the cabins for a quick run around in the last minutes of sun. The clouds moved in around two.. spent the afternoon cleaning, running, taking pictures and exploring more while we still could and the weather held off. Showered and came back to the cabin to make dinner and settle down while the sun set somewhere behind the blanket of gray.. They are calling for 12-18 inches before Monday, even though it is almost 8 o clock and a flake has yet to fall.. But the excitement is still there.. hopes of a beautiful white morning and sparkly snow to play around in <3
I love how comforting it is to me knowing that I can be completely alone.. or with sam.. back where you can’t hear a single thing except for the leaves and the wind, quiet with the height of the trees and the ceiling of pure, endless sky.. how amazing it is feeling completely home in any place so foreign, I love how wonderful it feels. I love hoe the gray skies bring out the other colors so brilliant, how the frost on your breath rests on the air around you.. how the sunlight managed to escape from underneath the clouds as the day was ending to dance one last time across the frozen mountainsides patiently waiting for the storm as well… all of nature waiting, anticipating the newness of change and promise of winter <3.

oct 22 2010

good evening beautiful.. oh so tired today.. not a lot of sleep last night between the phone calls, coyotes and cats in my comforter, and of course it is the morning I am called into town to finish up the landscaping around the ranch building first thing.. but that is how those things go. So after trying to rest my eyes for a couple of hours I was up and out of the cabin with the sun on the drive into town. It is the first morning I have gotten up in clouds, you walked outside and could instantly smell snow.. so freezing the air was to your skin, so still you could almost imagine the flakes falling.. but not yet. They are calling for the storm to hit sometime tomorrow night but the clouds were definitely moving in today.. like that Christmas morning feeling of anticipation. It was some what relaxing to sit in the huge white dodge and watch the mountains roll by for the drive. I had warm coffee and a comfort knowing fall had finally come, even in the gray they were beautiful.. even seeing three moose on the way. The sun was seeping through the covers when we pulled into Meridian and I spent the next couple of hours raking and shoveling; winterizing the gardens and sweeping the walk ways between the buildings. It is probably my favorite kind of work.. when you can be by yourself and just think.. it is a relaxing way to de-stress when you are working monotonously with your hands and by the end of it you feel a bit more grounded.. a bit more cleaned up, (even if you are covered in dirt..). Stopped at the store on the way home and we stocked up on groceries for the next week or so just in case the storm is anything like they are predicting.. might not be getting off the ranch for a while. Too exhausted to nap, I decided to to clean, and write, and try to figure out the next couple of months.. Still waiting to hear back from CO, even though I got the job I am hoping he has a housing solution for the next month before I start work (I am trying to move there the first week of Nov. however their season doesn't start until the end, near Thanksgiving..) But it will save me some money and hassle if I am able to move then and have a place to stay in the meantime.. then there is planning for Spring next year if I am coming back to Lost Creek (which I am planning on right now), trying to save up so I can finally make my trip to New Zealand for next year's winter season.. But ADD kicked in too quickly and I decided to go run, in the cold, see your breath, freeze your lungs 20 something degrees.. but it felt amazing. I am pretty sure this is my favorite weather.. high, alpine, dry cold.. and even during the day when it warms up is perfect. Wore myself out enough to want to settle inside for a bit, so I propped my cabin door open, cracked the windows, pulled on my hoodie and started painting :) Ahh.. and it felt so wonderful.. the first time I have set aside time to open my new paints, my pack of paper and just go. Had the radio on Mumford and Sons (my other musical addiction) and felt amazingly content creating my world through water colors... Stopped long enough to go relieve my new pet for the next two weeks ;) Sam, Dish's dog, I am taking care of while he is out of town.. A brand new wolf, fox, puppy just ready to go.. and just as hyper as one.. So we spent the better part of the evening outside on the horse trails back through the woods exploring in the fading light and darkening greys up ahead.. the feeling of snow so so close and so cold and wonderful. Now it is dark and we have settled into the living room.. Sam asleep on his chair, me at the kitchen counter listening to Kieth Urban and capturing the beautiful things about today.. So worth being awake and exhausted for the first real day of fall.. just to see the aspens glowing against the snow sky and the feeling of frost on my breath.. warm boots and the exhileration of running through the woods before the storm.. ahh it was magic <3

oct, 21

oct 20 2010

Wednesday :)
So it seems as our last day of summer sunshine, the weather is calling for the snow to start falling sometime tomorrow evening.. but I am sure it will be just as beautiful as now. Had a gorgeous day though, for it's last.. the brightest sunshine again to a cloudless sky. The perfect cold to walk in a sunrise up to the spa.. with the frost and chill almost freezing to your skin, but so bearable in the white light of dawn. Worked with Rhi in the woods today behind the cabins.. gathering wood from the previous weekend and loading it down to the barn. Tomorrow they are dropping me off in town to do some work for Jack around the buildings there.. good to get off the ranch for a bit, but I can't complain about getting to work outside in some place so beautiful.. <3

Played in the sunshine for the rest of the afternoon.. walking everywhere I could find a trail to take me.. it is an awesome feeling knowing your only purpose is to follow your feet.. no matter how small the journey it is still exciting to be alone, back in nothing but nature just exploring.. it must be one of my favorite things to do. Everywhere you look is something different.. even though they might be the same mountains, every second they change and seem to grow more breath taking.. just thinking about them now when it is night and cannot be seen gives such a feeling of security and contentment.. I love it here..

I am thankful for the sweet sunshine.. as always.. thankful for the thought of snow and the excited christmas-morning feeling that comes with it :) Thankful for the time to appreciate the love I have for this beautiful place, to sit or walk through it knowing that each step I cherish for being able to be here.. thankful to watch the sunset and the almost full moon rise seeming to carry all of the sun's light with it.. for the stars that glitter a million different colors when the sky is so crystal clear.. for the mountains that turned purple tonight against the vast golden, rust of the turning sage.. for being alone but feeling more at home in my heart than ever imaginable.. for the gift of friends, having dinner together tonight :) and the promise of a beautiful tomorrow, no matter what. <3

Oct 19 2010

Dearest Tuesday, there is not a better way to wake up than to the smell of hazelnut coffee… however the smell of fire and pine do come quite close. They lit the huge pile of wood this morning around 7 and for the entire day.. until even now as I watch it smolder from the deck it has smelled like camping and s’mores.. I think the smoke just smells like graham crackers.. it was awesome.. went to the gym early when the frost was still glittering before the sun and ran hard surprisingly for the lack of sleep I have stacked up these past couple of nights.. Ever since I have moved into my own room in the cabins beside the creek, I have not slept solid through one night.. not as fun for Rita either who has moved in with me as well. It was a gorgeous morning to walk back in, the sun shine full force like it has been this whole week.. not one single cloud to make shadows on the mountains.. just endless, gleaming blue for as far as you can possibly see. Took the long way, just to stay a little longer in the heavenly bliss of morning.. having not yet reached 30 degrees it felt amazing.. No wind, no clouds.. just pretty and still.. like a perfect reflection in a ripple-less pool. Worked on the front sides of the cabins today, raking, weeding, sweeping the porches.. spent some time cleaning out my cabin as well, even hanging my sheets on the clothesline to soak in the sunshine and cool fall air that is ever present. Took off to hike to favorite spot up on the hill where I can see everything it seems on a day like this.. can only imagine what it must be like to be on top of the grand doing the same.. one day ;) Spent some time reading in the sunshine, listening to the crows and their messages to the other birds that must be thrilled it is so warm still.. I miss seeing the tanagers, but the blue birds are still here, still brilliant in their iridescent starkness against the rest of earth toned nature. Walked along the ridge tops, loving so much the beauty and weather that I have been blessed to come back to here.. how crazy to think there was more snow in August! Even colder it seemed like.. or maybe just because I am now sleeping in the hottest possible cabin (right above the water heater..) Fell asleep in the sun on the rocks by the bench, everything so content and quiet, the most sleep I have gotten without interruption and it felt wonderful.. goodness to even think about going back to the real world.. why would I even question my stay here? I do not think it could get more perfect for me really.. everything I love and want out of life is here, and I am so so grateful.
But even so I guess change will be good.. it is amazing how much more you miss something or someplace once you have left it. I will be flying out to Colorado in the beginning of November for my next job. A guest lodge just like here except it is outside of a ski resort (Winter Park) instead of a horse ranch. I am so excited, definitely.. how great it will feel to be back working with people and getting to serve! Even though I am being hired mostly as an aid to the kitchen, I think the simple notion of feeling appreciated will be so wonderful. I have missed feeling as if I have a purpose, even if it was making sprinkle pancakes ;)
Something else happened the other day that I forgot to write about.. almost magical, still really can’t believe it – but Chef, who must have found out I was back at the ranch somehow.. Someone who has never cared or shown compassion for anyone that I am aware of.. sent me a post card :) I got it within the first week I was here, a beautiful picture of African artwork on the front with a welcoming message inside… I know it was small, but the thought was enormous and it really touched my heart. So thankful am I of the little things in life that make it so mysterious and so spontaneous all at once.. whether it be a tiny post card, a new trail, a beautiful new rock… how the sky is different every single sunset.. the over whelming smell of pine and nature and the way the grasses never whisper quiet the same.. the exciting news of another adventure.. it is as if a new world unfolds every day and how blessed are we to get the single chance to experience and to love it? To appreciate every moment for what it is worth, as if it was our last, knowing every step is just one more piece to a beautiful journey that one day we will be able to look back and admire with nothing but love…

The sun has gone now..a little earlier every evening, and the sky has remained a perfect blanket of pale blue in the misty rays of light that are still shining over the peaks.. how lucky are we… For just this simple, quiet moment to be <3.>

oct 18 2010..

hello love,
I wish there was a way to take everything I am feeling, mixed with everything I am seeing and just place every sensation onto this paper.. it is around 6 o clock here in the beautiful Tetons of moose Wyoming, catching the last few rays of glistening sunshine before it sinks behind the pass. I was as the canyons in the peaks, full of snow, slowly transform into the dark crevices the sunshine escapes further into dusk. So cold it looks, icey white in the gleaming still.. such contrast to the blazing shine of the sunset. Only a few clouds tonight.. my favorite of abalone twilights.. the palest of blues melted into even softer yellows until you meet the blinding golden rush of color.. it is like a huge magnificent watercolor.. maybe what I will paint tonight.. It is cold, but without the slightest breeze so the lingering highlights keep me warm on my sunset bridge overlooking the abandoned cabin and the fields of golden grasses that almost sing when they move. Especially beautiful now that fall has turned the tips of them red, so striking against the blue world I am surrounded by.
It was a gorgeous Monday.. another Indian fall, cloudless.. endless sky kind of day.. the frost layed so perfectly on every blade of grass, melting into a glorious morning of pure light that reached every end of the horizon.. one of those days you could see every rock on the mountains.. very snow flake from the night before. I worked by myself today, again up at the spa, winterizing the plants and raking more. Took off a bit early and headed to my favorite spot on the hills before the bench.. so high you can see everything from the snake river, such a deep crystal blue.. all the way to Jackson lake.. so north against the hills that stay so purple all day. Soaked up every precious drop of sunshine, so thankful it is so beautiful and warm still.. let it sink into my skin as I just listened to the breath taking world all around me. <3 I let ye thoughts wonder.. not so extreme like I have been allowing, but staying close, playing in the day dreams of reality.. thinking about this winter, where I want to be.. and this summer how I hope to be back here enjoying all of this again one last time before I want to finally make my trip across the world to New Zealand :) I am hoping to save everything I have from now until then, using my time to plan and know exactly where I want to lose myself.. and find myself.. I have realized that I have been worrying too much, because I am not used to being so limitless and plan-less.. when really it is all unfolding the one way it should, this is the journey, this is the adventure.. and I am so thankful to be living in every moment of it, and conscious of the pure notion of the thought. Giving into the universe.. into faith.. is that not what I have been wanting and trying to do? Just to be able to sit and look out onto a world teeming with mystery and magic and opportunities and breath easily knowing the ones I am supposed to find will come? And maybe not here, maybe not in new Zealand.. maybe not in Colorado this winter, but it is all the experience.. it is all the journey.. and I am looking forward to every second. <3

The sun is gone now.. only the shadows of another brilliantly, beautiful day lasting long on the grasses to remember the suns travel across this endless sky.. and it is in reality that we are just as the grasses.. singing in the wind as if it was the natural thing to do.. soaking up the sunshine.. thankful to be a part of the earth and grateful to have one more tomorrow.. it is as simple as that.

oct 17 2010.. beautiful sunday

sometimes we get so caught up in what should be.. what should be happening, what we should be doing.. how should we be making our lives better.. our days more complete... our existence have more purpose.. We spend so much time worrying over these things, endless hours thinking and planning and contemplating the possibilities... When in reality everything we could ever need.. or ever want is right in front of our eyes, right at our fingertips.. I look back now and feel so selfish for every wanting anything more than the breath taking display I have right before me.. the simplest, but yet most beautiful gift i could ever ask for. I dreamed of these mountains.. these days where I could spend every moment appreciating there beauty and purity, breathing this air.. being a part of these special moments, here. I don't want to look back and watch how i wasted this time alone to grow and see how i spent it trying to figure everything else possible out.
there will always be other options and opportunities, but if we cannot enjoy the "amazing" we have, how is that fair? how can we ever be able to enjoy anything that way?
sometimes i let myself get caught up.. wondering why i am here and what purpose am i serving.. making myself feel as though i am wasting time working away my life and accomplishing nothing. when it is the very opposite, and of this i am sure. I knew I wanted to be here and with every cell in body i felt it.. and now i am.. I followed my heart back to this beautiful place and it is here for now that i am living, and until today I never allowed myself to fully understand that.. like there was always the watchful part of me whispering that it wasn't alright. but in every beautiful way possible, it is. I love being with these mountains, feeling this sunshine.. being able to walk to the wedding pasture and hold my breath just watching the clouds transform the sky and the storms blow across the ranges.. honestly i believe i was scared, this just seemed to perfect.. and for now i am just going to let it <3

It was a beautiful sunday.. the clouds were blowing in with the winter snows that played on top of the tetons all day.. Below however it was bright sunshine and almost warm when you were out of the wind. Went for a long hike up behind the cabins where it is so quiet and still.. almost hard to believe someplace so alive can be so content.. it is magic being there, in every way in every shadow.. every different outlook the way the light decides to catch the breeze.. it has to be alright.. it is the most realest feeling and i am captivated by it. I am thankful to be here, just as i am so thankful to have the other opportunities in life that may follow.. but for now this is here, with me and i am in heaven.<3

oct 16, 2010

I am thankful today to have the chance to walk for miles.. watching as the rain and snow started on the mountains and then just vanished into the sunlight. thankful for the skipping stones and beautiful waters, for the endless sky and a perfect day to cherish every moment to myself..
even if some days i wish i had it to share with someone else.. I will always stay thankful for the special seconds I have to watch it alone and with my soul..
tired today.. will catch up tomorrow.. maybe it will rain <3
so much love

oct 14th 2010

thursday :)
it is amazing to me how in this massive, limitless sky.. that not one single cloud came pass through the entire day long. Sometime i do not think that the sky can possibly get more clear, so brilliantly shining even in the absence of the stark clouds.. like the facets of a diamond, every angle just seems to explode with light. Nothing to me can compare to thy sky here, i feel as if i could see it touch the ocean it is so close and goes on forever.. You follow the beautiful blue and in every place it reaches horizon is just one more beautiful scene. I love how the sunlight makes the mountains to the north turn purple as the Tetons fade into their looming and mysterious blue... and always those aspens..

today was beautiful, a perfect indian summer, fall day.. perfect sunshine from the moment it breached the sage brush out front, until i watched it sink into the dark, navy bliss of those amazing mountains. Woke up early enough that my walk wasn't in the total dark. around to my aspen tree with the mountain blue birds, back through the woods behind the cabins, back to mine.. and the warm... changed into work clothes and went up to the gym to start the landscaping projects Rhi and I had begun yesterday. The frost was soon to melt as the sun started higher into the sky, and before long we were sweating in our eskimo clothes working to clear the trees around the spa, raking and moving wood..
felt great to be working, to be in the sunshine, with the most beautiful view and the prettiest sky.. sneaking off early to go hike and take some pictures.. watching the wishes float and day dreaming.. started to climb to the bench and found a lovely sunny spot right on the hill to read for a while, forgetting the world and worries and everything else that has been playing hide and seek with my mind.. thinking about colorado.. wondering if the mountains there could ever compare to the ones I am grateful for everyday.. took the long walk back to the cabin.. admiring the way the sunlight makes the softest shadows on the beige grasses in between the pine trees.. the red of the bittersweet against the aspen bark.. the dark burgundy of the ground where the leaves have fallen.. stopping to watch the palest sliver of moon appear above the crest of the hills, lofted right above the glittering yellow leaves where the black crows were flying.. an iridescent blue in the shining light against their black.. the sea of sage brush almost a sea foam green against the base of the brilliant blue.. wanting to soak up every feeling of the experience and just breath it .. just as the universe flows through your soul..
just to a part of it all..

A shower was amazing, warm to feel the chill run off with the water.. a wonderful feeling of clean clothes to walk up to the lodge and watch the sunset. Started my second book today, i love the feeling of being totally immersed into someone else's thoughts for a change.. thankful to have a perfect spot to sit.. a front row seat to something so breath taking. Watching the day unfold into the familiar rays of golden sunlight.. another day complete.. with just as many wonderful things to be thankful for.. but yet, still lingers the familiar feeling of empty.. the same small spot somewhere in the depths of my heart i feel the hole that has yet to be filled.. that something that is always missing, that usually i can ignore.. but always some days when the sun sets just right and the darkness begins to fall.. the hole begins to beckon and i feel it just as strong.. yearning for that shared love for this magical life taking place.

Sometimes i don't know how you do it.. but then i guess it is the familiarity of completeness that keeps you going.. if only i could share with you.. so much beauty to be held and so much love to be known..

thankful today for the untouchable happiness of being here, for the irreplaceable beauty no matter where you look, for the perfect hillsides to lay in the sunshine.. naked :).. for the falcons flying in the endless sky, the songs of the crows.. the warmth of the sunlight on your skin, the fall wind to remind you it is October.. the perfect feeling of being alone.. and the longing not to be.. for the amazing-ness of new running shoes.. ridiculous loud music to dance around like you're crazy to.. trying to remember how to speak when he talks to you.. watching the rays of sunset settle between the crevices of the peaks.. gold light trickling into faded blue..
catching your heart beat.. just to be silent as the magical world around you listens <3