hospital.. cont..

Saturday..
today was the day I was supposed to have surgery so they wheeled me in to have a cat scan beforehand first thing in the morning. After the results came back the doctors quickly decided that my “simple” break was in fact a huge explosion of bones underneath my knee cap and that my surgery had to wait until Sunday when more and better doctors were going to be available. So I spent another day drugged out of my mind inside my tiny hospital room. With three boys and nothing close to a clear perception of anything we spent the day watching movies and the food channel.. sharing stories in between shots and medications.. treating them all the milkshakes.. Sean never letting me go..
It was a long and painful night.. being alone in a tiny hospital room will make you depressed faster than the injury I believe.. so I spent most of the hours watching the snow outside in the parking lot lights trying not to think about life after tomorrow.
Sunday morning was dark and cold like the ones before.. my three angels coming in before the sun with the most delicious smelling coffee that I could not have ( you aren’t allowed to eat or drink anything before surgery..) but Sean had his chair right beside my face, hand in mine and the most wonderful smelling cup of temptation so close. It was a great morning as far as I remember, the pain medicines not making me nauseas yet (so far everything they gave me upset my stomach and made me incredibly dizzy). We watched football and took videos of Dish falling asleep.. laughing for the first time that I remember and sad when the time came to finally go to surgery, thankful at the same time though that I could begin my process of healing. All three followed me to the surgery room each hugging me before they wheeled me in to begin the procedures. The room was huge and so brightly lit, it scared the hell out of me how open and bright and intimidating everything seemed.. I hated being there and couldn’t get the nurse to knock me out fast enough. Soon though the anesthesia was pumping through my veins and I never felt a thing until I woke up in the recovery room full of Valium… they had brought me back and all I can remember was holding Sean’s hand and trying so hard to fall asleep, the Valium however was so strong that every time I began passing out I would stop breathing.. this continued for the next 20 minutes, each time Sean having to wake me up in fear I would stop functioning all together reminding me to breath. The nurses finally took my away to ICU to knock the medicine out of my system and have constant supervision.. I do not know which room was worse. I was in so much pain with the lack of medicine I began hyperventilating until the nurse starting yelling at me to slow my breathing so I wouldn’t pass out. The night was excruciating and sleep was impossible.. I was put on a lower dose of medication but only felt the throbbing pain of leg and nausea in my head. The surgery had been a success, all three plates and ten screws to piece everything back together in less time than they had originally thought.. This thought however was not comforting me and I did not sleep any for the rest of the night. They moved me back down to room 128 that Monday morning.. and I believe that it was the worst Monday of my entire life. It was the first morning Sean was not there to hold me.. all three boys had to go back to work, Sean to school.. an empty white room and the saddest heart throbbing right along with the stabbing pain in my knee. The medicine made me throw up all day, I do not remember Adam and Ashley coming to visit.. or Gabey from Dornans.. Julie or Debby (Sean’s mom), the entire day was a drugged and depressing blur… until that night when Jim came and for the first time that day I felt light in my heart. Mom and Dad had sent him out to take care and be with me for the week I was to be in hospital while we figured things out. He slept in Sean’s house, his parents Deb and Dave opening up their home to him.. They both came as well that evening to visit, they were so wonderful and nice and it felt like I now had parents to get me through this as well.. my Jackson family.. my Jackson angels. It felt wonderful to have jim there even if I can barely remember anything that happened the next couple of days. They finally took me off of the I.V because the pain medicines were just making me unbearably sick.. I was awakened every morning at 5am to have my blood drawn by my favorite nurse I met the entire time, (she had had knee surgery three times and was almost killed by a car as well.. she I am thankful for her humor and reality, she made me smile every morning and revealed to me something revolutionary.. she told me that we endure the suffering because we are alive and that there must be a higher power.. and because we are alive we are meant for a higher purpose..) She was a blessing and I think about her often in my days here after. I was given a shot in the stomach every morning to prevent my blood from clotting, attempted breakfast only to throw it up soon after. I survived off of ensure and water.. too much pain to stand and brush my teeth, physical therapy was almost unbearable.. nurses came in regularly to check my blood, pulse and vitals.. the surgeon to check my leg. I lived in between the food network and visits from some of the most amazing people. I was thankful everyday for Jim and the happiness he was finding with him new life in Jackson. Sean texted me all day everyday from school reminding me to keep pushing.. the reason for my motivation and my smiles.. The first day I took a shower was the closest to magic I have felt since the night surrounded by stars.. I was allowed for the first time to take my bandages off and feel the warmth of water flow freely over my entire body .. washing away all the pain and tears and sweat and sadness built up for so many days. I am so thankful for that shower .. I had flowers everywhere I looked, my wonderful brother, people everywhere sending me healing and loving thoughts.. the snow outside so beautiful and the hope that only comes from a soul touched by the love by so many. <3 The days were hard, I cried a lot, the pain hurt, the shots hurt, I ached, I prayed.. and finally Friday they let me leave.