Dec. 29

Dec. 29 2010
I write to you as the brightest sunset shines through the windows in the kitchen casting Christmas shadows through our tree still beautifully decorated, waiting for the family to be together again so we too can celebrate together. It was a gorgeous day, not one cloud crossed through the endless stretch of crystal blue sky, even as the wind blew fierce through the warming air wrapped up in brilliant sunshine. Still cold this morning, the colors remained soft as the sun rose, my first morning back to our house wanting to wake up early to start strong with the therapy I have been given to follow, as well as the stretches to try and relieve m aching body. Sleeping is still difficult so it was not as easy to get up so early, but within the hour I felt fine and warm in the sunshine that started to come through my open window so I could feel the winter outside and remember what it might be like to wake up in Wyoming. Adam kept me company through the exercises.. another reminder of my snowy life 2000 miles away.. it is still hard to think about, pulling hard on the pulses through my heart… my house and my mountains.. driving down the highway and watching the most beautiful landscape unfold into the most magnificent winter I can imagine.. One day love, one more thing to look forward to.. So it is then I begin my day of distraction, focusing on the healing, the therapy.. the life I now have been given to live and make the most out of. Slowly I took my shower and got dressed, continued to clean and unpack the best I could with the crutches until it was time for physical therapy. It felt beautiful outside and I was immediately thankful I was getting to go. Jim helped me in and dropped me off for the next hour. It was a successful session, each time I think I am able to do a little bit more, almost able to bend my knee.. just shy of 90 degrees. Most of the things aren’t too painful, but I know it is only to help, so it is there I keep my thoughts. I will heal.. Jim picked me up and brought me home where I was able to spend the afternoon outside, it was a beautiful day.. clear and so warm in the sun. I walked through the field and watched my own mountains as my thoughts played on theirs. Feeling the sun as it sank lower, the wind across my face and acknowledging the pain that is still within my heart. As much as I accept what has happened, and the strength I have to gain, I know what it Is that I am supposed to learn and grow stronger from, I just pray that the yearnings in my heart will never fade.. and it is within that I find my strength.

Dec, 14..

dearest journal,
it has been a while since i have written to you on here, however i have been keeping daily entries in my personal diary saved for myself.. the past couple of days havent been the best for me at heart and so i have not felt at ease enough to write passionately here to try and capture these fleeting emotions. I find myself so easily frustrated in this new life I have been given.. another test for certain and with its fair share of obstacles. So used am I to being able to handle things and just when I thought everything was set perfectly my plans crash and shatter on the cold icy ground somewhere behind shadow mountain. So I am here now to regather my heart, my soul.. all of broken pieces and start over, slowly gluing back the places recently torn and those overlooked for some time, neglected in the fast paced and unpredictable life I was living. Maybe that is why adapting is so difficult.. I finally have a predictable life and I don't know how to handle it. I know exactly how each day is going to work out, granted not down to the details, but enough to know I am going to wake up, take my shot and try a little harder to walk. even more frustrating how slow I now have to do things, I know it is good for me.. I needed to slow down obviously or this would not have happened. I have the perfect chance to catch up with my life and do things I never had the time to before.. I just need to get used to it. And I am thankful for the time I have now.. and even if it is hard to say and hurts my heart to think about it, I am happy to be home. Especially now when it is so wonderful to have family together, especially when i need it most to help the healing. I am supposed to be here now for a purpose and I think every day it gets a little easier. I know the healing process will be long, but I also know it is for it's own reason, and when I think about that I am at peace.

Dec. 8th, wed.

Dec. 8 2010..
Day three at home.. It was not a good night.. I was up for most of it between pain pills and trying to massage my leg into enough less pain to sleep, finally after two hours (around 7 am) I was able to really sleep, only to dream so insanely it was more comfortable to wake up. The sun had already risen and the outside was cold and clear, with only a few overcasting clouds over the sun. How much I miss the beautiful white blanketing everything… I do hope it snows this year, that just might keep me sane. I could feel the wind howling against the windows and was thankful I didn’t have to do any traveling outside today. I was sore.. my leg ached from the restless night but I Immediately began working it to get the blood flowing. I find that the more I wake up my muscles before trying to do any walking with the crutches it makes such a difference. I am able to lift it from the side and easily backwards, still barely front the front.. I guess a severed ACL takes a toll on that ability. For some reason thinking about a completely ripped off ligament makes me sick.. so on a better note I did my sit ups and leg lifts and one legged push-ups in my bed before my lovely morning stomach shot and vitamins. It had been 3 full days and 3 different disgusting airports since I had had a shower so I decided to dedicate my morning to the full effort of becoming clean. It is such a task, but so so worth it. I don’t have the luxuries here like at the hospital.. instead of a nice bench with handles to sit on I had a fish bucket from the barn, and without a movable shower head it is difficult to wash your hair when everything is running in your face, but all the same it felt amazing and I was thankful for it. I had a warm bathroom, clean clothes and an otherwise healthy body. It exhausted me however, afterwards I laid down to rest for a while before getting up and doing more writing and exercising. Carlee came in the afternoon while the second wave of exhaustion was hitting me.. probably from lack of sleep the night before, but it was wonderful to see her :) and that always makes me happy. We looked at ancient pictures from middle school and talked about hoe young we were and how we never thought any of this would ever happen… She brought me sweatpants so I would have something to wear to the doctor tomorrow besides boy short underwear from victoria’s secret which I have been living in. She told me about her day off from school and how she thinks JC is going to propose to her any day now.. I kind of hope he does, how awesome to be here for her?! But we will see.. I still have my eyes on Chad lol.. they are doing awful in basketball but I guess that is Liberty sports for you. We caught up for a while and mom joined us and we laughed until Mrs. Sharon pulled up in the driveway. She came today to place healing energys in my room, including a beautiful green obsidian stone and a love crystal that I have on my bedside table right next to me. A few rubys under my bed, a sodalight in my window and shell on my mantle for cleansing. She then did a session to channel my energy since I assume it was a bit crushed around like my leg. She told me later that 3 of my 4 oras were damaged.. My physical, emotional and mental were hurt in the accident, however my spiritual remained safe and together. She also told me how she requested the purpose for my accident and the only reply was “She is my child and I love her”… It gives me chills to even think about but I know I want to so everything I can to spread the love I feel from Him to everyone I can. I think I cry because sometimes it seems so overwhelming and I am just one broken leg.. one soul in millions and there is so much pain I cannot conquer it.. myself and in the world.. but then at the same time I feel the same wings wrap around me and inside, quiet I can think.. and one step at a time I know it will be ok.. to trust the process.. to heal even though slowly. .. It is the invitation.
After Sharon left Mrs. Padgett came by with gifts and tons of laughter as we caught up on missed years and hospital stories.. she offered that I come and do art class with her at school and I would love to, I hope I am well enough soon to be out and about and have the energy and strength as well. I would also like to start going to the hospital.. I know there are people that felt as I did and would love any guidance and love.. Tyler came by soon after and in between dinner and stories from the summer and the ranch I was feeling wonderful with all the smiling and recalling of beautiful, warm summer days in my sweet paradise… my Jackson and my Tetons.. Oh so soon my loves… so soon.

Dec.7 2010.. catching up..

Dec. 7 2010..
Second morning waking up in my bed, tally mark for day number two.. woke up to most beautiful sunrise I have seen in weeks outside my bedroom window. The strongest blazes of reds and orange clouds with the golden streaks setting fire to the bottom right above the trees over the empty streets so early yet. I opened my window to feel the chill of morning and let myself be captivated, melting into the beautiful bliss of morning, thankful to be alive and able to experience every perception of the magic taking place, broken leg or not it was amazing and I am grateful for it.. But still so much to catch up on.. After they discharged me from the hospital that Friday, Jack and Julie came to help us get our stuff together before they loaded me in and drove me to Sean’s parents house, Deb and Dave, which is right down the road. I was feeling miserable that day.. had tried to eat breakfast and threw up everything that morning, not able to shake the nausea that stayed with me throughout the day, I finally settled myself on the couch in front of the fire place and passed out. So grateful to be in a beautiful, warm home that wasn’t the hospital.. the conclusion to one of my worst weeks so far I think. Julie took jim to go shopping for my ensure and to fill my prescriptions while Dave took watch over me while I slept. I woke up on and off until Deb came home from work and we were all finally together resting and waiting for Sean to get home. I was thrilled he was coming and just thinking about it made me feel better. Thankful our flight wasn’t until Sunday so we would have the whole weekend.. For Jim and I. Deb made dinner and we all visited until he pulled up around 9.. I cannot explain the butterflies in my stomach but I was so happy. Dish came over and we all stayed together watching movies in the living room, Sean massaging my feet and ankles to help the circulation through the tight stockings I have to wear to keep my blood from clotting. When everyone went to bed, he slept in the recliner chair next to the couch in case I needed anything. It was a miserable night, just as the others but I kept him from waking and suffered through the sweating and the chills and the spasms until it was late enough in the morning to get up. It was snowy beautiful morning in the living room, we were on the couch when Deb woke up and started coffee.. and oh my goodness I cannot explain how amazing it smelled… Finally was I able to have a cup of deliciousness and it didn’t taste half bad with my baby formula breakfast. Dave was given the honors to give me my daily stomach shot.. something I would like to start to start getting used to VERY soon.. and everyone continued with their mornings. Breakfast was made along with some more amazing coffee.. Sean massaged my back until Jim woke up and they were able to leave to go pack up my things from Dornans. Since I could not stay I would be storing everything in the Meridian building in town until I got back, taking with me only a few things that I would need at home for the time I was there. While they were gone I took another amazing shower, propping myself up on a deck chair with a towel to keep from slipping… it was heaven. I must have spent an hour in there between freezing cold and scalding waters immersed in soapy bliss and happiness. I felt amazing putting on fresh cool clothes that Deb let me borrow while my clothes were washing and I climbed into the couch smiling as we shared stories and listened to Mumford and sons <3 The boys got back and I went through everything, we packed it up, made lunch, arranged everything for the flight the next day and finally settled down for the evening my warm, happy Jackson family, my sweet brother and my wolf pack ;) Tyler and Dish came over as well and we all snuggled in the tiny room for the night spending the last few moments together until who knows when. I know how badly I want to get back, but I do not know how fast I can get this leg to cooperate.. shooting for new years seems insane, but it is the only way to go. Even if I cannot fly back I will be better somehow by then.. so who knows? Summer is going to come no matter what and it is going to be wonderful and beautiful and I will definitely be better by then so when it comes to worries I do not have so many. It is just hard because I miss my family there.. seems as if I cannot get enough of either. The night went to quickly, the same as the last, and before we knew it we were packing up for the trip to the airport.. the beginning of another trialing, miserable day.. the pain of moving and flying was unbearable, but the sadness and emptiness that fell from my eyes the whole ride to the airport hurt so much more. Even though Sean was holding my hand and telling me how everything was going to be alright I could not help but cling to every snowflake and beautiful hillside covered in white sunrise we passed the whole way. It hurt.. and my dearest journal it still hurts.. the vision so clear even through the tears.. why does it have to hurt every time you have to leave.. ahhh.. but you cannot stop it, and we made it to the airport.. and after some very sad good-byes made it on the plane.. I do not think I will forget that horrible day of flying so I do not feel the need to describe it in depth, but I cannot express the relief of finally feeling fresh air and being in the car on the way home.. What I had been dreading I was thankful for. My bed was even more magical.. my sweet, yellow room mom had made beautiful and I cried myself to sleep underneath my golden silk canopy.
The first day went fine.. I woke up, took my pills, my shot, my vitamins, my ensure, did some walking, some stretching.. slept the previous day away and tried not to think about Jackson or anyone.. which was impossible. It was wonderful to see Carlee when she stopped by, and it felt good to read with mom to keep me distracted.. So easily do I let myself slip into the overwhelming task I now have to overcome before I can have my life back.. way too easily do the tears come when my leg starts throbbing and I don’t have Sean to be there telling me everything is going to be alright.. Today has been better, I am so grateful to have Carlee who came by again today and everyone who sends their thoughts and sweet cards.. Mom and I did chair yoga today, it feels wonderful to stretch.. It is cold but a beautiful day to watch the sky and the mountains. So thankful am I to live where I do with my mountains even if it is to remind me of what I am working towards <3

hospital.. cont..

Saturday..
today was the day I was supposed to have surgery so they wheeled me in to have a cat scan beforehand first thing in the morning. After the results came back the doctors quickly decided that my “simple” break was in fact a huge explosion of bones underneath my knee cap and that my surgery had to wait until Sunday when more and better doctors were going to be available. So I spent another day drugged out of my mind inside my tiny hospital room. With three boys and nothing close to a clear perception of anything we spent the day watching movies and the food channel.. sharing stories in between shots and medications.. treating them all the milkshakes.. Sean never letting me go..
It was a long and painful night.. being alone in a tiny hospital room will make you depressed faster than the injury I believe.. so I spent most of the hours watching the snow outside in the parking lot lights trying not to think about life after tomorrow.
Sunday morning was dark and cold like the ones before.. my three angels coming in before the sun with the most delicious smelling coffee that I could not have ( you aren’t allowed to eat or drink anything before surgery..) but Sean had his chair right beside my face, hand in mine and the most wonderful smelling cup of temptation so close. It was a great morning as far as I remember, the pain medicines not making me nauseas yet (so far everything they gave me upset my stomach and made me incredibly dizzy). We watched football and took videos of Dish falling asleep.. laughing for the first time that I remember and sad when the time came to finally go to surgery, thankful at the same time though that I could begin my process of healing. All three followed me to the surgery room each hugging me before they wheeled me in to begin the procedures. The room was huge and so brightly lit, it scared the hell out of me how open and bright and intimidating everything seemed.. I hated being there and couldn’t get the nurse to knock me out fast enough. Soon though the anesthesia was pumping through my veins and I never felt a thing until I woke up in the recovery room full of Valium… they had brought me back and all I can remember was holding Sean’s hand and trying so hard to fall asleep, the Valium however was so strong that every time I began passing out I would stop breathing.. this continued for the next 20 minutes, each time Sean having to wake me up in fear I would stop functioning all together reminding me to breath. The nurses finally took my away to ICU to knock the medicine out of my system and have constant supervision.. I do not know which room was worse. I was in so much pain with the lack of medicine I began hyperventilating until the nurse starting yelling at me to slow my breathing so I wouldn’t pass out. The night was excruciating and sleep was impossible.. I was put on a lower dose of medication but only felt the throbbing pain of leg and nausea in my head. The surgery had been a success, all three plates and ten screws to piece everything back together in less time than they had originally thought.. This thought however was not comforting me and I did not sleep any for the rest of the night. They moved me back down to room 128 that Monday morning.. and I believe that it was the worst Monday of my entire life. It was the first morning Sean was not there to hold me.. all three boys had to go back to work, Sean to school.. an empty white room and the saddest heart throbbing right along with the stabbing pain in my knee. The medicine made me throw up all day, I do not remember Adam and Ashley coming to visit.. or Gabey from Dornans.. Julie or Debby (Sean’s mom), the entire day was a drugged and depressing blur… until that night when Jim came and for the first time that day I felt light in my heart. Mom and Dad had sent him out to take care and be with me for the week I was to be in hospital while we figured things out. He slept in Sean’s house, his parents Deb and Dave opening up their home to him.. They both came as well that evening to visit, they were so wonderful and nice and it felt like I now had parents to get me through this as well.. my Jackson family.. my Jackson angels. It felt wonderful to have jim there even if I can barely remember anything that happened the next couple of days. They finally took me off of the I.V because the pain medicines were just making me unbearably sick.. I was awakened every morning at 5am to have my blood drawn by my favorite nurse I met the entire time, (she had had knee surgery three times and was almost killed by a car as well.. she I am thankful for her humor and reality, she made me smile every morning and revealed to me something revolutionary.. she told me that we endure the suffering because we are alive and that there must be a higher power.. and because we are alive we are meant for a higher purpose..) She was a blessing and I think about her often in my days here after. I was given a shot in the stomach every morning to prevent my blood from clotting, attempted breakfast only to throw it up soon after. I survived off of ensure and water.. too much pain to stand and brush my teeth, physical therapy was almost unbearable.. nurses came in regularly to check my blood, pulse and vitals.. the surgeon to check my leg. I lived in between the food network and visits from some of the most amazing people. I was thankful everyday for Jim and the happiness he was finding with him new life in Jackson. Sean texted me all day everyday from school reminding me to keep pushing.. the reason for my motivation and my smiles.. The first day I took a shower was the closest to magic I have felt since the night surrounded by stars.. I was allowed for the first time to take my bandages off and feel the warmth of water flow freely over my entire body .. washing away all the pain and tears and sweat and sadness built up for so many days. I am so thankful for that shower .. I had flowers everywhere I looked, my wonderful brother, people everywhere sending me healing and loving thoughts.. the snow outside so beautiful and the hope that only comes from a soul touched by the love by so many. <3 The days were hard, I cried a lot, the pain hurt, the shots hurt, I ached, I prayed.. and finally Friday they let me leave.

Dec. 3 2010

Life has changed.. and it will take a few days and blogs to catch everything up, but Today, Dec. 3, 2010 before I begin the story I want to remember that everything that has happened to me has happened for a purpose.. there is a higher power and the only reason I am alive right now is because i am meant to serve a higher purpose in life.. and i intend fully on working my hardest to do so even if the reasons right now are unclear. All the suffering I have and am enduring is only of the physical world and even if I am not conscious to it now my soul has awakened to the reality that this entire experience is just one more step.. and one more path of the journey <3



Nov. 26th 2010
First day of work :) Up and ready at 7 this morning just as the first few rays of pink were making their way into my window, it was snowing lightly and it looked gorgeous.. slow to get out of my warm bed into the pale light of dawn from outside but it felt good to wake up and stretch before adventuring out for troy and I’s walk..(oh how I wish..) but I pretended he was with me as we made our way through the huge drifts of snow (some past my knee) out towards the highway where you have the best view of the mountains in the morning light. There was no one on the road, our driveway hadn’t even been paved yet so it was a bit slick, but a bit warmer then yesterday (around 4 degrees this morning).. the wind is what made it close to unbearable as I walked into it covering my face in snowflakes. I seriously need to invest in a face mask.. I can literally feel the patched of skin that begin to freeze within 10 minutes of being outside- BRRR.. my Antarctica for sure.. but invigorating and exciting all the same, called mom and dad on their way to Grandmas and Papa’s for Thanksgiving, great to hear from everyone :) Sounds like everything went so much better this year compared to last, even jimmy sounded happy.. crossing my fingers he can stay that way.. he is just going through so much :/ (ps I <3 you) . Pretty much ran back to the house because my fingers were going to fall of my hand along with my eyelashes after they froze solid, changed for work while singing along with Adam’s guitar playing across the hall.. an XS uniform that actually fits! Clocked in at 10 just as the sun was starting to come out full force into the snow and the Tetons that I haven’t seen since I left, got the tour, the rules, the paper work etc.. breakdown of everything and how it is run in the winter.. almost exactly like working at Court Street except they have computers here and a much more amazing view.. omg the mountains outside are breath taking since we are right at the base and entrance to the park.. stellar :) the restaurant went slow, but decent when it came down to tips and training, easy enough and happy people – great guys in the kitchen and plenty of help and support.. all around a good first day and for that I am thankful. (even did a crossword for chef ;) Closed out around 4 and walked back to the house with Gabey (who I love more everyday lol) we both work together on the weekends (I have wed. and Thursdays off) and she is wonderful to work with- Thank you!! Went for a walk in the sunset to call everyone at Thanksgiving and talked with everyone as I froze and the sun went down behind the so snowy mountain tops.. thankful as well to hear everyone’s sweet voice and warm wishes.. smiling thinking about all the fun we have when we are together, almost wishing I was there.. but this is now.. my present and I am living every second and enjoying it as much as possible. I am so happy to have such wonderful people to live and work with, a so caring family missing me back home.. snow clothes.. free coffee… AND maybe even a bonfire tonight under 3 billion stars on the top of the mountain :)
Yea.. I think so <3