oct 13 2 010

today i felt like the happiest person in the entire world... it hit me just as the the slightest breeze picked up the leaves of the aspens and the golden light from the sun behind filtered through their dance casting the most perfect shadows along the path i was clearing.. I could see the beautiful blue of the mountains.. the crystal turquoise of the sky.. the clouds, pure white against the jagged rocks.. the brilliant oranges of the trees tracing along the river.. everything became so still and perfect, like i was placed in someone else day dream of such a breath taking paradise.. I was alone, outside, working on clearing the grounds around the cabins.. sweating.. filthy dirty.. and in such a bliss it is hard to find the words to capture the pure happiness i felt all over.. Surrounded by nothing but nature, hearing only the whispers of the trees and the song of joy from my heart. I felt so at home.. so content with everything around me.. so so thankful to be here.. i just cannot explain it. right then i had so many urges... to cry, to scream, to hug the world if only it was possible... to text everyone and tell them i was in heaven.. that working maintenance at a ranch in wyoming is what i want to do for the rest of my life.. just so happy. the pure happiness when your heart finds peace and everything is right.. the happiness i wish for everyone to find in their lives.. it is the perfect balance and I feel so blessed to have experienced it. thank you..

And So it is my life for now :) waking up in the midst of the most beautiful mountains i have ever laid eyes one.. walk to watch the sunrise and the peaks slowly melting into the pink and golden light, breathing in the 18 degree autumn air that freezes your lungs but is so worth it <3..> go for my run after wards, home to shower, and up to the lodge and to my favorite place to sit right on the deck and watch the sun sink lower into the sky, right between the crests of the tetons.. watching the clouds get softer and the light fade.. so quietly it slips into twilight.. and so beautiful. the walk back is as cold as the morning's as the world slowly becomes dark..a sense of complete.. of acceptance.. of sheer gratitude for a day of blessing and of beauty, reminding myself so often how lucky to have had the opportunity to return and feel so loved by such a place. i am truly in love.

wishes.. oct 12 teus.

who knows why our hearts work the way they do... who knows how one fleeting thought can manifest itself into reality, a complete life change, a complete new opportunity.. how is it that we can ever think anything is permanent.. when, in only seconds everything we thought as secure can be completely shattered? shards of foundational thoughts that were only bullet proof to the rain... and the gun shot is fired. and your world is turned upside down.. the sky is purple, the water a golden auburn.. and tomorrow it will all be different ... your whole outlook on life is changed.. you walk with a different step and sing a different song and it vibrates through your body.. you realize the opportunities are endless.. all you ever needed was someone to strike the match.. someone to start the train.. and the tracks multiply before your eyes trying to adjust to the new and blinding light that seems to make everything surrounding you glow. a thought reborn. a possibility planted... ever growing.. the tiniest wish floating in the fading sunlight.. limitless.. haste-less... with nothing but a time and a yearning heart to be where it belongs.. to find that contentment and certainty when everywhere else there is none. ahh the wishes :)... you see them by the thousands.. and it always seems that they are catching the perfect amount of sunlight, like they are just riding on the solar bliss of hope alone... all we need is a bit of breeze..

and mine came at 2:00am last friday.. teasing through my window like the train whistles.. and it was then I knew I had to leave. I had bought my plane ticket the next day my and explained to my boss that i needed to go home.. how essex was not making my heart happy.. and how could it? when all it could think and dream about was wyoming, and the endlessly beautiful life I had there.. And so I was at the airport monday evening, having finished my last couple days working in the kitchen with Rich.. so ready to be home. And my dearest diary.. there just aren't enough words to describe the way the mountains make my heart stop and my breath get caught in my chest.. and the butterflies.. like you are watching magic.. it is the closest thing to love i could ever imagine feeling. i am so thankful to be home.. and it consumes my whole being <3

oct..7 2010.. sunset

only in this life can you find that one person who makes your blood race, your heart stammer, your thoughts wild.. only they can give you so much to want ..and so much to hate.. only in this life can that one person.. know your love.. prove it back.. then place it in the hands of someone else as you watch.. something you had the chance to have, the chance for so much you will never know..
only in this life.
but it is also only now, in this body, in this existence can you have the ability to feel so much love, the emotion to want and to need.. it is by our own creation we have been blessed to care so deeply.. to be so passionate.. it is a miracle we have not deemed ourselves cursed.
it is fascinating how you can think about someone so much.. for so long.. to the point you consider it unhealthy and then slowly, somehow you are able to cope.. to place your thoughts somewhere else for a few sacred moments.. even if it is by pure distraction alone... and then just because your mind knows you have safely put that memory away,

...it happens...

and the thoughts flood you as if it was their only purpose inside your mind.. drowning you as you search blindly for any other possible, fleeting thought.. a life jacket. but there are none. if only i wasn't so damn stubborn.
if only you had had more courage...

today i was walking by the river and thought out loud how much i miss home.. then i noticed i wasn't even thinking about Virginia .. i was imaging the Tetons.. the way they looked when i left, so deep blue and laced in the white velvet of the first snow.. goodness those mountains got to me..
it is amazing what you let yourself think when you are alone.. when i am finally out of work, out of me.. out of reality. When i can be quiet and completely surrounded by nature, enveloped solely by the pure immensity of beauty and simplicity that it glows with.. if you sit still enough you can feel it from the trees.. from the leaves stretching out from the branches giving in to the fall they are waiting for.. to be connected back to the earth in the renewing cycle that makes us one.. why can't everything be that simple? why do we feel the need to clutch onto everything that is passed.. that we cannot change? it is what makes us beautiful.. as golden as the aspens.. and if we hold on how can we ever really be free?

i wish there was a way to describe the incredible way it looked today. there cannot be a more crystal blue than the water was.. or a deeper red than the rocks glistening underneath.. or the way the sunlight, consumed by the dark ocean of clouds, still managed to free a few rebellious rays onto the deep green mountain side.. those few seconds when the aspens blazed, their bark almost unnatural, a brilliant white against the gray.. their fire reflecting into the greens of the glass pools where the water deepened.. those moments when you hold your breath and still your heart so that no noise could interfere with the magic happening everywhere you looked.. you hold yourself, almost afraid that what you are experiencing is unreal and could shatter at any moment.. capturing every detail, every glimpse of light and color and sound and holding onto it, saving it so close.. then it is almost as if time stops.. and you can hear every tremble of water against the rocks, every whisper of breeze within the leaves on the sandy banks.. every song the souls surrounding you are singing.. and again it happens...

it is the same rush.. the same passion you can only feel in the deepest chambers of your heart.. how everything, all at once is impacting you in every sense possible.. you are immersed completely in something you have no control over.. and all you can feel is love.. you can't move, and breathing becomes so slow you can feel your lungs resting as you give into the emotions taking over.. you let go of the branch you have been holding onto so tightly..

only in this life,
can you truly be free.

oct. 6 2010

beautiful... it was a wonderful day.. and i don't know what sparked within me when i pulled myself out of bed in the early morning fog that decided to go running.. all the way down the ski roads into the fog and rain and cold until my lungs hurt and i ran out of path.. whatever it was, it was worth it.. i felt amazing even if it was gray and quiet outside the soul inside was dancing with every song on my radio and all around the empty school house all morning <3 it felt as if the energy flowing out of my fingertips was magic.. and i felt so in tune with the universe and all of its mysterious connectivity.. just the inner-most feeling of contentment.. that everything is going to be alright. Almost as if yesterday served as the break-up from whatever egotisical life i am trying to move away from.. into being today, full of life and love and pure joy for having the life and opportunities that i do.. thankful as well for days like yesterday, because without them to compare to how would be able to appreciate today? .. I was dancing when the phone rang and took me completely by surprise - i thought for sure Becca would have left for classes already, but turns out she wasn't leaving until 1 and i had a ride to town if i wanted it. :) and then i really knew everything was ok.. i had something to look forward to and things to be grateful for all around me.. Changed into real clothes and met her down at the Inn for the drive. It is 60 miles into Kalispell and we spent the whole time discussing life and death and soul and universe.. everything under the sun it seemed, but it made the time pass quickly and we were soon in the Target parking lot dropping me off while she went to class. Couldn't tell you the last time i pushed a cart around a grocery store by myself.. but it felt good.. being back to a real life and excited for the new set of watercolors and canvas i was able to buy. with all this spare time this winter i really want to be able to paint again.. especially with all of these magnificent pictures of the tetons and of course everything incredible i have here in montana.. oh so excited :) oh tetons.... how i miss you.... ill play later.. for now it is beautiful glacier.. the sunset all the way home following the cliffs and crystal turquoise river.. the pink mountains in the fading light.. the warm cabin fires lighting in between the forests of pole pines.. the golden fields ready for fall.. the perfect feeling in the air.. the chill in between the shadow spaces.. hearing mom's voice and talking with dad <3> everything is purely magical.. i could feel it like the wishes floating in the wind today.. sitting outside the Inn as fall took full force of everything around me... just beautiful. read an awesome quote today about being wounded and how it is through the wounds of life the spirit is able to enter and flourish.. we must have the pain to appreciate the joy, we are all growing and learning and everything that happens, every rain drop is falling for a purpose.. it doesn't matter if everything else is changing, that truth will always remain the same.. and there we find peace <3 i love you and miss you all of these feelings.. so strongly.

8:21..oct 5

no more tears.. the lonely i can still feel, but with the afternoon came sunlight and an uplift in my thoughts.. distracted myself by spending hours trying to clean the kitchen.. along with the three refrigerators, stove, grill and every other appliance known to man.. took complete inventory of what was left by the 11 people living here before me, and it looks like i will be making a lot of Christmas cookies trying to use up all of this flour and sugar. but was finally able to sweep the floor and finish cleansing yet another part of this school house. by then the clouds had begun to break up so i decided i would head down to the store and leave a note for Becca to see if she wanted company on the drive into town tomorrow since i have the day off again.. i would love to invest in some water colors and canvas.. crossing my fingers i can find some.
and i cannot explain how much it made my day to find a mountain bike sitting outside when i went to leave.. just like the one i left at home.. just parked there right against the side of the house.. perfect :) it felt awesome to ride again and i did so for much longer after i made it to the store and back.. it was still cold but the sun took turns with the clouds and even with the breeze i was warm from the work out.. a shower and some yoga felt wonderful, and sitting outside on the porch to watch the sunset made everything in my life feel ok.
amazing what the sun will do to your spirit.. thankful for the warmth and the comfort.. thankful for the adventure and the bliss of being alone in the beautiful mountains..

..and sometimes crying is ok..

awake my soul..

morning.... oct 5

sometimes it is hard... when the rain falls gently and the wind sings through the aspen leaves i start to think about home.. when that perfect slow song comes on and i look around this huge empty school house and think about how mom and i would be in the kitchen together.. warm in each others happiness cherishing the few days i had left in that beautiful Victorian.. your heart fills with what would be tears if i had the courage to cry for it... then the overwhelming beauty of the amazing place my soul resides takes over.. the same rush that gets caught in your throat and makes your heart warm with what must be pure joy. i am where i want to be.. yearning for a peace that will makes this wondering mind content.. as i play tug a war with my thoughts that want to question my reason for this journey, countering with the knowledge that it is truly the life i have wanted ever since i was sitting on my apartment floor with a crying heart to be anywhere but inside those walls watching the early fall sunshine leak through my barred window..
i am here.. present in the beauty.. love.. if only capturing these fleeting thoughts were easier.. thankful to have this release as i talk myself into believing this is the path i have chosen.. that my heart has chosen.. and everything is going to be alright..
some days will always be harder..